Dear At the Fence:
My ex-girlfriend and I have been friends for a year, as we used to
work
together in a restaurant. During the whole time we worked together, she had a
tumultuous relationship with her-then boyfriend. Our friendship continued to grow as
we discovered we had very many of the same interests-she is a painter, and I wrote poetry,
we listen to the same music, and have many of the same views on life, although I tend to
think in more of a linear fashion while she is a very fragmented thinker. She broke
up with her boyfriend last September, and we started to hang out more.
Then she had an abortion. I didn't see her for three months.
This January, I found a note left on my doorstep from her, asking me to call her as
she missed me. We hung out a few times, and then I asked her out on a date.
She accepted, but warned me that she was just getting over a serious relationship and a
second abortion that she had at the end of December. She said that she didn't want
to get serious, and that she still had feelings for her ex, although she had no desire to
be with him. She also let me know that she had always had feelings for me.
With a week, we were dating, and our relationship got quite serious. We spent too
much time together and spent every night together for one straight month.
Two weeks ago, she had minor surgery, which I believe was emotionally traumatic for her.
During our relationship, she told me many times that she was in love with me, and
that I was perfect. She also mentioned that she could see herself marrying me.
It was right after the surgery that she mentioned that she needed some space, that
she had been neglecting her art and her friends. I tried to assure that I
understood. We took a few days off, and she acted distant when we were together.
This past week, she seemed to be returning to her old self. She was very
affectionate and kept telling me that I was amazing. Last Friday, she took my hand
in hers, and said that she needed to take more space and time. She said that she
loved me, and she couldn't believe that she was doing this. She mentioned that she still
had feelings for her ex, which she didn't believe was fair to me. Also, she
mentioned that she wasn't ready to be serious with anybody, and she wanted to take time
for herself.
We talked again last night, as I met her to exchange our
items (as she put it). I had the feeling that I could have walked away without
saying anything and she would have just stood there and felt sorry for herself and guilty
without taking action. We discussed what was happening, and she said that she didn't
know if it was possible to take steps backward in our relationship.
She mentioned our previous friendship. I said that it was possible, and
that I was willing to give her space and to see her only occasionally. She
mentioned compatability issues, such as our different lifestyles as a result of
our different work schedules. I tried to assure her that we were
compatible.
She then said that she wanted to just date me, but for me to
have no expectations. She said that she couldn't promise me that anything
would ever be the same. She can be flighty at times and indecisive. I
think she is confused although she insists she is not and knows what she
needs to do. I am deeply in love with her and know that if the time was
right, everything would work out. I do not, though, want to be available at
her every whim and get hurt again. I feel like I should just forget about
it, but I truly believe that she is the one for me and that I am the one for
her. What do I do to win her back besides give her space and time?
Trying to Decide
Dear Trying to Decide:
"But she also said that she wasn't ready now and didn't
want me to have any expectations and she couldn't promise me that things would ever be
like they were." It sounds as though your ex is not ready to commit to any
relationship. There is too much uncertainty in her mind about previous relationships
and what she wants from life. She needs time to grow up and in her own words knows that
she cannot promist you anything. Is that enough for you? If it is, don't expect
anymore from her or try to force her to change.
One of the reasons this 'relationship' did not work is that
it did not have time to develop. All too often couples get physical before they really
know anything about each other. Many couples consider what they have a 'relationship' if
they've had sex together or if they've been close friends for a while. This doesn't make
them a couple. That takes a lot of time, discussion, and sharing of ideas and dreams, and
commitment.
Best Wishes
© 2003 Nora Penia All Rights Reserved
