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Dear At the Fence:
I broke with my boyfriend of 3 1/2 years about 3 months ago. He
is 27 years old and I am 22 years old. It happened because he basically sprung on me
that he wanted to be with someone else. We hadn't spoken since our explosive
argument up until last week. (The last "conversation" we had consisted of
him screaming at me "It's over!" when all I wanted was an explanation for his
behavior.)
When we did end up meeting it was merely for a casual get together of tea.
Unexpectedly, he asked if I had thought about us getting back together. I
replied 'yes' because 'how could you not after being with someone for over 3 years'.
He said he had as well, but that he didn't want to be in a committed relationship
right now and still wanted to date other people. He also says he's not into having
any sort of physical relationship right now. (Mind you, he is still dating this girl
he left me for a few months prior.)
As the night progressed, he asked if I thought I would be able to have any sort of
relationship with him (friendship or romantic) with him if he was dating other people.
I had replied 'no' because it would be awkward and additionally, it would be a
constant reminder of how he had disrespected me. The night eventually ended at 5 am
with him saying that he really needed to think if it's that important that he date other
people and does he really need to be doing this in his life (somewhat implying that if
dating other people would be worth losing any sort of relationship that could foster
between the 2 of us).
I thought that conversation went well and was productive, but since then I feel that he
has had a little bit of a wall up i.e. that the channels of communication are blocked and
I feel he had been not as open as he was that night. I had brought this up to him
last night and he said that it was unconsciously happening and implied that this is
happening because we just barely began speaking to each other again and that there is
still that awkwardness.
..Help me! I need help figuring out what is going on right now between us. I
don't get where his mind could possibly be at considering (1) he knows I want a more
committed relationship than he does right now, but he still seemed to be toying around
with the idea that maybe he DOESN'T need to date other people, (2) he is thinking about us
even though he's dating that other girl, (3) taking into account that his recent
communication isn't as open and clear as the first night we spoke, and (4) I myself am not
as into him as I once was because from what I have seen of him lately, he seems to be a
lot more selfish than he was before and that is a big turn-off.
HELP ME,
Confused About the Ex-Boyfriend
Dear Confused About
the Ex-Boyfriend:
The important word here, and the one you need to remember, is
Ex-boyfriend. Really, why would you want to renew a relationship with
someone who has shown you that he can't be faithful and is clearly NOT ready for a serious
relationship. Who knows why he is behaving the way he is? Maybe he wants to have you and
other girls at the same time. Maybe he likes feeling that you still want him, even though
he's treated you badly. Maybe he's just a jerk.
Why waste your time wondering about him? At 27 he is
obviously still a kid. You deserve better. Move on.
Best Wishes
© 2003 Nora Penia All Rights Reserved
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