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Dear At the
Fence:
I met my boyfriend at the beginning of the year, we have
known each other for three months and have been going out for about a month. We are
both Christians, but there are aspects of his behavior that I am having problems with.
We are very serious about our relationship and hope to get married next year, but for now
we want to take our time getting to know each other better. I try to avoid getting into
anything physical with him, even though I am attracted to him and he to me. However
as time has gone on, he seems to be getting more and more physical and I feel like I am
always fighting him in this area.
When he touches me in a way I don't like I usually move his hand and tell him I don't like
it. His response is that he likes my body and can't help himself. He jokes about it,
but I don't think it's funny. I am constantly telling him that even if that is the
case, there are boundaries and we need to respect them until we are married.
For a while he was very disciplined and restrained, but one day I was at his house and
things went further than I expected (we didn't go near to having sex but it was too far
for me). I ended up crying, he couldn't understand why and I couldn't explain.
Fortunately for me I had a cold the following day and wasn't able to see him for a few
days. I know he cares about me, he shows it and says it. As much as I love him
I can't deal with him being physically all over me. I feel like I am constantly
fighting him and it's tiring.
Recently his current work contract has ended, and he's taking up a post in another
country. He will be away for a couple of week's training for his new job, and will
be back to sort out a few things before going away again. He wants us to go away for
three days when he returns but I don't want to because I'm not comfortable with the idea,
plus I believe I would be putting myself in a dangerous position. Fortunately my
work schedule means that it isn't possible, but I haven't told him yet. He says that
he can control himself sexually, but I'm not convinced.
He has two children from previous relationships, his Christian walk has been a bit of a
yo-yo, whereas I have been a Christian for over 20 years and have never slept with anyone.
He seems to think that I shouldn't refuse his approaches because he's attracted to
me and we're going to get married. He also says "You either go with me or we go
back" - once he said this and I said, "well, let's go back" but he didn't
say anything and went very quiet on the subject.
Part of me wants to end the relationship, as I'm not obligated to stay in it, but I want
to give him a chance to sort himself out because I do love him and care about him.
He's good man at heart but that does not excuse his behavior. I'm willing to do
whatever it takes to keep myself and my conscience clear and right before God before
marriage, but I'm frightened of being alone with him again because I don't know what could
happen next time. After the incident I promised myself that I would do whatever it
takes to avoid getting into a compromising situation again. He's 34 and I'm 35.
I know I have to seriously talk to him, and I'm praying about what exactly to say.
Any advice you can give or suggestions would be welcomed.
Thanks in advance.
Unsure
Dear Unsure:
I think you are right to question this relationship. A month
is not long enough to know whether the two of you are meant for each other, let alone
start a sexual relationship. If he is pushing you for physical intimacy, it could be that
is all he is interested in.
Follow your instincts on this. Your letter if full of your
uncertaintity and of clues that the two of you do not share the same values. It is natural
to be attracted to someone physically and to want to be together sexually, this is
our physical nature. However, morals, personal values and religious beliefs should
override our physical drives. If you stay with him, the two of you will continue to
struggle with this type of conflict throughout life. It seems that he does not truly
believe what he says he does.
God Bless
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