For 6 years I have only been seeing my dad on the weekends,
because he flies to Italy during the week to work, which means I live alone with my
mother. We have never gotten along very well and over the years the situation has become
unbearable for me as she is constantly shouting at me and checking everything I do.
I feel abnormal since normal children, however much they
fight with them, love their parents. I hate my mother. She has the habit of repeating
things until my head feels its going to burst. I know you hear this about many mothers and
it's "because they care" I know this too, but her repetition is extensive. My
father remarks this often also. I am very close to the mother of my best friend who keeps
telling me my mother has made great mistakes in the past and is going to stop but it's not
stopping.
I cry a lot. Whenever I want to go somewhere or she is home
we start fighting, because she hates it when I'm just relaxing or I want to see my
friends. She doesn't like any of my friends with the two exceptions. I am turning 16 and
still have 2 years of school left. I don't think I will survive the stress of my verbally
abusive mother and my examinations and schoolwork. I feel depressed and for the last
few weeks it's been especially bad because my parents drugtested me once again and
I had consumed marijuana which showed up.
I drink too much. I feel like my life is one chaos and I need
to spend the majority of it being screamed at by the person I hate most in the world. It
has come to a point where any word she says makes me just want to cry, scream, run away. I
used to be much calmer but I have become so much more aggressive. My life revolves around
surviving the next 2 years. I have good grades in school but my mom is still insisting
that I barely work and keeps checking up on me constantly. With all this pressure and the
constant checking up on me I'm going mad. I take too much medication and have begun
skipping most of my classes.
Please don't tell me to be a good girl and gain their trust.
I always had their trust. now I have begun breaking it because whenever I am honest they
don't let me leave the house. I have to say I'm seeing one friend and go see another. My
parents know nothing about me and whatever they know they use it against me. I am so
scared that the longer I live in this house, I am going to lose my capability of having a
healthy human relationship. My parents are forcing me to see a therapist. She tells me
what they're doing is wrong but I don't see how that is changing anything. I broke down
crying because she told me that I "hate the world" and don't trust anyone. She
is right, I don't trust anyone and maybe in a certain sense I do hate the world. but I'm
not antisocial, have a lot of friends, love to have fun and till now people have always
come to me for advice.
Now I feel incapable of doing anything because no one seems
able to help me. I thought I could just grit my teeth and bare it but this has been going
on too long and it just hurts so much. My father just seems to be saying oh I love both of
you, but you are the problem. They want to send me to boarding school or move away. I am
so scared of this. I'm outgoing and easily find friends but that's beside the point. I
want to be left in peace to live my life and get amazing grades for my last 2 years and on
my IB, so that I can leave the house right when I graduate and never need to see my mother
again. By moving away they're wrecking my life and taking away the only people who are
important to me: my friends. I've already chosen my courses for next year and I am
prepared to get rid of my lazy habits. In my opinion, the best solution was always for my
mother to just remain quiet and that everything would be alright. That's never happened so
I can't concentrate or do anything because whatever I'm doing she's shouting at me or we
have just fought and I'm crying.
I don't even know why I'm on this site. Anyone I have gone to
for help or who has tried to help me always said "you are right. your mother needs
help. She does you so much wrong." but this does not help me. All I want is peace of
mind for the next 2 years of my life. I can not bear the stress of school as well as a
mother who curses me and tells me what a horrible person I am daily. She has begun a sort
of campaign against me is what I feel. I only speak with my close friends, my best
friend's mother, and the therapist about my problems. She has decided to just tell all her
friends and our entire family and also is constantly calling my dad in Italy to complain
about me around the clock. My dad is getting seriously physically sick from this whole
situation and this is why I do not call every time I feel terrible, because though I have
the urge to just say bad things about her, he's heard it all before and I'm not helping
anyone.
I am being purely egoistic still, because I don't care if my
mother gets better for her own sake. But I know I still have my whole life ahead of me and
though I was always self-confident and I believe in myself, but I don't want to live the
rest of my life distrusting every person I meet and being aggressive. I am scared as I see
how much I have changed. She sees that SHE is right and is out to convince the world.
Personally I don't care who is right I just want a normal life. She tries to make everyone
feel sorry for her because she has such a "rude child". I think she just sees
this as a normal case of being a rebellious teenager or something. I thinks she just needs
help.
My therapist told me, which is one of the few true things she
has ever said, and I also think this, that is is NOT my job to look after my mother and be
her punching bag. She is 45, I am 15. she I not meant to be difficult, I am, but I tend to
be the logical one. It is not MY fault she doesn't see my dad as often as she would like
to. But I'm not an endless supply of comfort. When she feels like it she blames me for not
loving her and that I'm abnormal that I hate her. She is free to do as she pleases. After
all, who's going to stop her? I feel hurt, depressed and like nothing is ever going to
change.
My mother thinks I'm the one who needs to change and that she
is 45 years old and knows better and can not change anymore anyway. She constantly
listens to my phone conversations and tells me to stop talking with "that bitch"
when its a certain friend of mine. I know I am far from being the perfect child anymore
because of the alcohol and the drugs and the aggression. But this all began developing
because of this problem. Or at least this is what I believe.
I remember my childhood, and I think it was better then only
because we all lived together so my father could regulate things more. But I have memories
of being chased around the house and being very scared. My best friend died 3 years ago
and my parents did not tell me I never got a chance to say goodbye. I was not at her
funeral. I have not been to her grave. I think this is when I would have needed
psychological help but it was not granted to me. Now my mother needs serious psychological
help. But no one can make her go because she is not willing to accept that she is a bad
mother and that she does have serious problems. Even with psychological help, it would
take more than 2 years.
I have the strong belief that my parents think that my
physical health and my grades are all that counts. They fail to realize, even when told,
that it is because of them that my psychological health is extremely poor. My friends
think I'm strong sometimes or that I've gotten used to it. It is impossible to completely
get used this situation especially as it is getting worse constantly. whatever people may
think. I'm on the brink of explosion and I can not deal with this anymore.
I'm really sorry for bothering you with what I just realized is an incredibly long letter.
I wouldn't say you are my last hope, because I don't think I have any hope left. but this
is my desperate attempt to get some advice or some comfort. I'm very scared. Thank you for
reading this or skimming through it or even just clicking on the email. I feel slightly
relieved, sounds pathetic though. thank you very much.
No Hope Left
Dear No Hope Left:
Thank you for writing. I can hear the pain and frustration in
your letter. At 15 you have been through a lot and I can't blame you for feeling desperate
and hopeless. It is clear that your mother needs help and I fear you are right that she
will not get it. Let's focus on you.
You need to get through the next two years without going
crazy or hurting yourself. How can you do that? Well, you've already started. You have a
therapist - even though she can't solve your problems she can give you support and
encouragement. You have some friends, and you are intelligent. So you have something to
work with.
The most basic truth about life is that we can only control
ourselves. Sometimes we can influence others, but we can only truly control our own
actions, thoughts, and attitudes. You want peace and while you can't control your mother's
behaviors, you can learn to develop a strong inner peace that her actions cannot shatter.
Sometimes people are in situations that demand extreme coping measures and this may be one
of those situations. Unfortunately, you have to be the adult here in order to survive. It
isn't fair, but it is your reality.
Build up your inner self. When we are strong within, the
things that happen outside have less impact. Focus on the goals you've set for yourself.
Don't lose sight of them. Remind yourself that you are a human being deserving of love.
Know that you can survive this, and more than merely survive, you can come out stronger
and healthier.
Work on a tolerant and loving attitude toward your mom. She
is sick and may not be responsible for her behavior. You can't make her well, but you can
keep her from making you sick. Try to involve your mom in your life in constructive ways.
Invite her out to lunch or something she would enjoy - going to an art show or museum or a
chick flick, maybe. Go out of your way to please her. When she criticizes you, agree with
her and promise to do better. But don't let her words get through to you. Make a
deliberate effort to include her in your life. Tell her what happens at school, tell her
what you and your friends are doing. She will probably continue to criticize and when she
does, listen politely and thank her for her opinion.
I know that some of this may sound stupid. But, often when
life throws something unpleasant at us it helps to embrace it rather than fight it off.
Another important issue is how you deal with all this. It
really does not help to turn to alcohol or drugs. It may feel good for a while, but you
know you are just creating more problems - with your parents, with authorities and for
your own health. This type of escape will only hurt you. Some forms of escape can be
helpful. Reading and studying can help. Developing a new interest such as art, dance,
music or other creative outlet can help. All creative expressions can relieve stress and
help us deal with our emotions.
Try to believe that in the long run this will work out. If
you do the best you can, try to live honorably and treat your parents with respect,
eventually you will come out of this stronger and wiser.
God Bless
