I am a 36 year old divorced female. I have been
separated for 4 1/2 years divorced for 3 years. Those years have been the
toughest of my life. I did not receive much support at all from friends, family or
my boyfriend. I have been living with a younger guy who is 32 years old. We
have had more than our share of problems during those years. If I'm honest,
he's very immature & I probably really don't ever see us getting married.
Although I'm not really sure about this.
During the past years he has strangled me twice &
kicked me once. He recently went to a 26 week long anger management course which has
helped. Once again, if I'm completely honest we are not the same intellectually
either. He is, in fact, illiterate, which is actually where a lot of his anger
problems originate. His mother is the cause of most of his anger problems.
It's been a emotionally draining relationship for me with not a lot of emotional support
from him. I still believe I love him although I don't know if we really & truly
have a future together.
The other guy is 42 years of age. He's been married
& divorced twice & therefore knows a bit more about marriage & it's
implications than my younger boyfriend. We first met 2 years ago when he found he
was immediately attracted to me. I must admit I was also intrigued by him at the
time. As he knew I had a boyfriend he did not initiate anything between us. He
has only just come back into my life as he is totally & completely convinced that I am
the one for him. That we should be together. That we're destined to be
together.
Over the past 2 weeks we have spent hours & hours &
hours on the phone talking about anything & everything. We think alike.
We're the same intellectually. We're interested in the same things. He says he
wants the lot with me, i.e. to get married & live out the rest of our lives together,
maybe even to have a family. He will support me financially & emotionally.
He believes communication is the key to everything. We both feel very lost
without the other when we're not talking on the phone. During the 2 weeks I have
visited him once at home just to see just how we do get on person to person.
Obviously considering the situation, we were both exceptionally nervous. I also
wasn't feeling much of a sexual or physical chemistry towards him. It was
quite obvious exactly how he was feeling towards me though!!
He visited me yesterday at home & once again I wasn't
feeling any real physical nor sexual chemistry towards him. On the phone I never
feel pressured by him nor do I feel pressured by the e-mails he sends me.
However, in person I do feel very pressured by him to make a decision about whether or not
to be with him in a proper & committed relationship and therefore to split with
my boyfriend. I don't feel ready to make that decision & told him so. He
was devastated & left in tears - I had hurt him terribly deeply.
We finally talked this morning on the
phone. He was bitter, angry & there was also a nasty tone to his
voice. Later on however he did sound a lot nicer. He agreed that he has
pressured me too much to make a decision & therefore will back off. We are still
going to keep in touch just to see if maybe something might eventuate between us. He
believes my boyfriend is no good for me & I'm wasting my time with him.
Especially since he knows that my boyfriend & I don't even sleep together in the same
bed at night. That really amazes him completely & believes I don't really have
much of a relationship at all. He on the other hand would provide me with everything
I could ever possibly need or want. My boyfriend doesn't support me financially
& does not earn much money. On the other hand, this guy earns a very good wage,
is financially well-off, has 2 houses etc. He's also been in the same job for 25
years & isn't likely not to be there in the near future. My boyfriend on the
other hand changes jobs fairly regularly, isn't financially secure & up until he
met me hardly owned a single thing........he didn't even have his own car.
I feel I have supported by boyfriend over the past 4 years
both emotionally as well as sometimes financially. I'm tired of this & would
like to lean on someone else for a change. Ideally I would love an equal
relationship with both giving & sharing of oneself which I don't believe I get with my
boyfriend but would get with this other guy. The other guy believes if we were to
have sex.........like now..........then there would be some physical/sexual chemistry
develop on my part towards him. I'm not so sure & whilst I'm with my
boyfriend I will not be unfaithful in that way.
I am really confused as to what to do. I know I don't
have the best relationship in the world with my boyfriend & that I would have most
probably the very kind of relationship I would dearly love to have with this other
guy. But...........shouldn't I feel some sort of physical/sexual attraction towards
him??? Or is he right..........will it develop later on???
HELP!! What should I be doing?? I also suffer
with anxiety & panic attacks which obviously don't help me at all in this
situation. In fact they possibly do interfere to a large degree in me making a
decision. I'm scared that I'll make the wrong decision which is most probably why
for now I have chosen to do nothing at all & to stay with my boyfriend. My
inability to make a decision though is only going to cause grief & pain for everyone
concerned & I really need to do something.
Thanks,
Desperate One
Dear Desperate One:
Well, neither of these men sound like good marriage
material. One of them is clearly an abuser, and a leech - the young one - and the other is
controlling, selfish, not good marriage material (divorced twice? this does not make him
an expert on relationships, rather an almost certain failure). While the older one may
have financial and career success, that doesn't mean he will provide for you. You might
have all you need financially and be extremely miserable.
I'd suggest that the older man is also an abuser as your
description of him includes several tell tale signs of a controlling (abusive)
personality. (His push for a sexual relationship and commitment.) Keep in mind that he is
also trying to break up your current relationship, even though it may not be healthy
either, and this shows he has no respect for the boundaries of a relationship.
Abusers often try to convince their target that they are
'meant' for each other and that the abuser knows what is best for the two of them. Abusers
are manipulative, flattering and in a way romantic, with a twist. Their romance is meant
to sweep the victim off her feet, overwhelm any reasonable protests and promise to fulfill
all her dreams.
I'd suggest two things:
Break it off with your younger friend. He is violent and
even if he seems to have changed in some ways, the chances are good that his violence will
pop up again. Don't make excuses for him - he may have problems with his mother but that
does not 'cause' his anger toward you, or his violence. It is clear you need a break, but
deciding to 'lean' on the older man is not the answer. I have a feeling you would pay
dearly for leaning on him.
Second:
Stay away from both men, and avoid any new relationships
for at least six months. It would be best to take sometime on your own, without having to
support anyone but yourself, and discover what you want. Examine your life, your
possible future, what you want from life and what you are willing to do for what you want,
etc. Then, if both of you are still interested, meet and discuss what the future may hold
for the two of you. I can practically guarantee that he won't agree to wait and will
either dump you or pressure you even more to commit to him.
If the thought of going six months without a relationship
is too overwhelming for you, get some counseling and find out why you have a deep need for
a man in your life. It's normal to want a relationship, but not at the cost of who you
are.
Best Wishes
