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Dear At the
Fence:
I have a very complex dilemma in my relationship. I am 38
and a single mother of three children from a prior marriage. The man I am dating in
31 and has never been married. We are dealing with several issues, including whether
he can accept my children or not after three years in a relationship. I am
protective and therefore did not want him involved with my children unless it turned
serious.
My biggest problem, however, is his family. They are a wonderful family but he is, I
think, too dedicated to them. He is paying $900 a month for two cars he bought for
them and is now building a $300,000 house in which he will pay for the mortgage. His
parents make sufficient money to live on, in fact, they make very good money but just are
careless with their money. They send $20,000 or more over to family in Europe every
year and in turn expect their son to give them all they want because he has always been
willing to. My feelings are that we could never have a life. I am not about to
give my hard earned money to parents which make more than I do so they can live better
than me. What do I do?
I don't think he sees this clearly. I feel they use him because he lets them.
I don't think they even realize it but he has nothing of his own. He does not own a
home of his own and he really has little else. Most of what he makes goes to them
and he makes almost $100,000 a year. He will never have a life of his own, I feel,
and I'm not sure I can deal with this.
Another issue is his time. He works out of state and
only comes home on the weekend. Out of the weekend, I see him for about a total of
10 - 12 hours (including sleeping time) and the rest is spent with them. Am I wrong
in wanting more than this? Am I wrong for thinking they are selfish and he also
isn't thinking of me or having a life with me?
I really need some help with this. I love him dearly and we have a great
relationship in many ways. We don't fight and most of this I keep to myself. I
don't know if I am jealous or if I just want more of a normal life with him. We have
talked about marriage in the next couple of years but I can't deal with some of these
issues. He has siblings that are in college that he pays for. I don't know
what his parents even do with their own money other than waste it. I've struggled
for years since my divorce to even buy food and now he states that if we get married I
would be expected to earn at least $50,000 a year just to be able to afford this home for
his parents. Is that insane or am I?
Help
Dear Help:
You're insane if you continue this relationship. You know the
truth. He's messed up and no matter how good the relationship is (I wouldn't call a couple
hours a week a relationship) that is unlikely to change. Your big clue is that he told you
what you need to make in order to contribute to the purchase of his parent's home. I
wouldn't even try to fix him if I were you.
Best Wishes
© 2003 Nora Penia
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The contents of these pages represent my personal
opinions, which are offered for entertainment and educational purposes, only. I am not a
psychologist or therapist. My professional background has been as an educator dealing with
personal growth issues, parenting skills and relationship problems. My hope is that this
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