We've been married 29 years, not real easy, but getting better as we mature. My
husband has recently renewed a relationship with an old girlfriend's family. He and she
were quite young, and he introduced me to her and she was more his "type"
looks-wise, than me. Not something a fiancée wants to see. I was jealous because
they had had a sexual relationship and he just seemed to want to carry on the friendship
(even told me she wanted to have lunch w/ me like that would be normal.) He worked w/ the
father when we first got married and I know he liked him. That would be okay.
But since moving 500 miles away, (and even a while before
that), I didn't' really think about this girl and have had years to work on our other
problems, and successfully for the most part. But last year, he went down there to
see his brother and came back casually mentioning he dropped by the parents and saw the
family. I know he wants me to just accept it, and that he wants to keep up and renew
the relationship w/ the family. He exchanged email addresses w/ them, and since
then, the old girlfriend's sister (who he does not even know) has been emailing him at
least every couple weeks.
At first he would show me the funny jokes/cat pictures she'd
send, (hoping I'd just accept it) but I'm very uncomfortable, wondering, why is she
emailing another woman's husband, however innocently? He has called her, too, on his
cell phone several times since last summer, once while I was there, saying she asked him
to call. He got mad and said "I don't even know her", I said "then
why are you developing this relationship w/ her?" He doesn't get it.
Now, the bottom line is, I know he is not interested in her
and is faithful to me. I truly know that, it is one problem we have not had.
And I have never been jealous of anyone else. I am not a jealous person, and I've always
trusted him. He's friendly, but not a flirt. He just plain does not "get"
why it would bother me that he calls and emails "old friends". I am so
sad about it and think of it so much, yet cannot bring it up w/o a fight. Now he
doesn't show me the cute pictures, etc, because I get mad. My belief is that contact
innocently w/ the sister, is tying him to the old girlfriend's life, and I think he likes
that. He would not pursue her, he is not like that, he is moral and faithful.
But he is the type, if the sister said she was having problems and to call her, he
would. He would get emotionally involved without even knowing it's wrong. Now I'm in
the dark, with only my imagination to go by. Any ideas? It hurts.
Hurting
Dear Hurting:
Of course his actions seem suspicious, especially if he has
never done this sort of thing before. I could add to your suspicions by commenting that
his old girlfriend could be communicating with him under the guise of being her sister.
But, that is beside the point. You have a 29 year marriage and no history of
unfaithfulness. You husband may not 'get it' simply because it is totally innocent. Email
has made it possible for people to stay in touch easily and has allowed people to renew
long lost relationships. If your husband is truly innocent in this matter, you are doing
him a disservice by distrusting him. If he is fooling around, the truth will come out
eventually. Decide for yourself what limits you will put on this. For instance, you
will insist that he stop if he actually makes contact with his old flame, or if he
arranges to meet her, or whatever you feel would be the last straw. Keep this to yourself.
Then stop talking about his friendship with these people. Accept this as an innocent
pastime, until you know it is something else. Avoid the temptation to check up on him.
Distrust can destroy a marriage as surely as infidelity can.
Best Wishes
