Well... Where should I start. This has to do with my
daughter who is 25 and her husband who is 31. They have been married for 3 1/2
years. They only knew each other 6 months before they married. When they were
married they didn't appear to be very happy. In fact everyone saw it in my
son-in-law's face and the comments that went around the wedding were, oh my god, he
doesn't love her. Anyhow, they have had many financial problems with him not working
and with the both of them bouncing checks, etc.
My son-in-law, who I will call T, when he did work would work
away from home for long periods of time and would never tell my daughter where he was
staying or when he was going to come home. There always seemed to be this big secret
with him. We always had this suspicion that he was gay. His father is a
minister and we thought maybe the marriage was a cover up. We are still not sure.
My daughter does say that he looks at pornography of Asian women (my daughter is
not Asian).
The odd thing is that they didn't consummate the marriage on
their honeymoon. They have hardly any intimacy at all. According to my
daughter they have sex about once every three months or so. Well as soon as they
were married T's nephew who is 20 years old moved in with them. My daughter and the
nephew spent a lot of time together and started to have sex. She got pregnant and
now has an 8 month old baby who she is almost certain is the nephew's but there is a
slight chance it may be her husband's.
Her husband joined the army in order to have a job and
provide medical coverage for the baby. Well my daughter has continued to have a
relationship with the nephew until recently. He moved out of their house about 4
months before the baby was born and he joined the army also. When my daughter and
her husband moved to Alabama (due to the army) she had the baby and the nephew was close
by in Kentucky and continued to visit and the relationship continued. She got
pregnant again and lost the baby a couple of months ago (I just found out about this).
Well, the nephew is overseas and apparently is planning on
marrying another girl who is pregnant with someone else's baby. My daughter found
this out and she says she is upset that the nephew wants to be with this girl and take
care of someone else's baby but won't take care of his own. Now mind you my daughter
and the nephew had decided to keep everything a secret and not tell the husband. Now
my son-in-law T has been deployed and will be going over seas in a couple of weeks.
My daughter decided to tell him and she told him everything.
My son-in-law said he had the feeling and now he wants a DNA
test to see if the baby is his. He said that would determined what he wants to do.
Anyhow, my daughter has moved out of the bedroom and moved into her daughter's
room. I also forgot to mention there is now another nephew living with them.
Seems they have never had any time without someone else living with them. Anyhow,
my son-in-law called me a left a message that he wants to talk to me. I am not sure
what about yet. My daughter has told me everything and she says she is ashamed yet
she acts like she is mad at her husband. I don't really think either one of them
love each other and I don't think my daughter loves this nephew either. I think my
son-in-law is gay and that is why he doesn't want sex with my daughter. She has
asked him to get help yet he refuses.
I know I shouldn't get involved but they continue to pull me
in so I want to really know what to advise them or what do you think would happen.
Is this marriage salvageable? Should it even be worth salvaging? I am pretty
upset that my daughter has done this with her life and now she is in Texas and she wants
to stay there. She says she likes it there but she doesn't have a job and no family
support. My concern is also about my granddaughter.
I know this situation is crazy. I can't even believe it
myself. What advice would you give with regard to this.
Confused Mom
Dear Confused Mom:
Advise them to consult a counselor, if they want to save the
marriage. It doesn't sound like much of a marriage, but for the sake of the child, it may
be worth the effort. I think that both of them will need to make some serious
decisions about what they want from the relationship, will need to learn to build a real
marriage with commitment, and how to set boundaries to protect their relationship. They
have a lot of work ahead of them. One thing which will have to be explored is his
lack of interest in his wife, sexually. If he is gay, that is one thing, but there
could be other reasons for his lack of interest.
Whatever happens, try to be supportive and maintain a good
relationship with your daughter and granddaughter.
Best Wishes
