Dear At the Fence:
I am 20 years old and was dating a girl for a
little over 2 years. Earlier this year, in September, she told me that she was
attracted to another boy that she had met once she moved up for her first year in
college. We started dating at the beginning of my senior year in high school and her
junior year in high school. We were from different towns and our relationship
together was incredible. We were so close and told each every detail about our
life. I felt a very deep connection with her and I fell deeply in love with
her. I thought that everything in the world was great and it couldn't get any
better.
Then she tells me that about this guy when I
was starting my second year in college and her first. She came from an extremely
small town, as did I, and she goes to a very large state university. I was very
depressed for many months and what made matters worse was we still kept in regular
touch. We talked nearly every other day and we still told each other "I love
you." We cried and argued about what was going on, almost like she really
didn't want it either. She became interested in many guys while she was up there,
and it was always guys who just gave her attention and they never really lasted.
She likes to drink and she has an even harder
time controlling those urges even when she becomes under the influence. She ended up
fooling around with a very close friend of mine one night (he was actually the guy I was
with when I first met her) and the other day I found out some terrible news. One guy
up there whom she knew for only a few weeks, when she was partying with him they both
became extremely drunk and she ended up sleeping with him. This absolutely crushed
me finding this out because she told me about a month ago that she realized what I meant
to her and she wanted me back. She didn't want to commit yet but wanted to start out
slow. This hurts so much and I don't feel like I could ever get back with her
because all that I do is picture that situation in my head and that makes me want to vomit
because it hurts so bad. It never really felt like we were broken up and she said
"I'll never do that, I'm just interested in getting to know guys..." I
don't think I could ever give her a second chance. Please, if you have an
words of wisdom, please help.
Feeling Seriously Down
Dear Feeling Seriously Down:
I think your young friend is simply not ready
for a serious relationship. She wants to party - that's what drinking and 'getting to know
guys' is about. It could be that this is a phase she will grow out of, but it could be a
lifestyle which will hang on for years, if not her whole life. Part of her may realize
that she has a good guy in you and so she tries to keep you on the line. This is not fair
to you. There is very little you can do to make her change her ways, or to ever be able to
trust that she has really changed. Don't let this make you bitter, though. Move on and
keep looking for someone who shares your values and dreams.
Best Wishes
