Situation: Female 27, Male 28 dating since college, about 9
years. Living together for 4 years, extremely wonderful relationship for both partners.
I (the female) am from out west, (USA) and my entire family lives there. He is from
New England. I moved to his city after school to work and live and ended up LOVING it.
In all seriousness, our relationship is fulfilling, kind, supportive, and challenging.
We both love and like each other very very much. During my life in the east (about
5 years) I struggled with my decision to live so far from my family. My family is
fairly unsupportive of me living here (They've never visited and I have to call to keep in
touch) However they are wonderful and I do love them all very much. However, I
put a constant strain on the relationship with my boyfriend by always worrying about my
family and questioning my decision to stay in the east.
He has always had in the back of his mind a strong urge to
travel and explore his career options in Asia. While he has done several week long
trips each year - it really hasn't been enough. Last year we decided to break up because
it seemed our futures were just incompatible. I wanted to marry him so that I could
have a commitment, a real commitment and a real reason to stay in the east (family) so
that I could feel safe enough to put down roots and move on with my life. This scared him,
we openly talked about this for months.
I moved back west. He visited once, and we stayed in
very close contact - calling every day. We are probably closer than ever now - the
very best of friends. I've helped him get into graduate school in DC, and he's
helping me set up my own business. Trouble is I really want to move to start my own
business near him so that I can at least have the option of making our relationship work.
However, I don't want to force him. I would just set up shop in in a nearby
city, to be closer and hope that when school is out he might choose to be back with me.
Am I pinning too much on this. I am 27 and do hope to marry and have children - and
I know time isn't
endless...
I don't want to be dependent. In my strongest moments I
feel that I should start the business ( a big commitment) back west - and keep in touch
with him and see what happens after his two years of grad school. I could always
move then... Maybe that independence would be good for both of us. Or should I date
- and move on?
So sadly confused... I've been dealing with these issues for
so long now.
There is nothing the two of us don't discuss - so that's not the problem.
Also - one last fact. If I didn't have my family I would live in the east in a
heartbeat - I don't enjoy my home state even half as much - but I do feel a very strong
responsibility towards my family, and I do miss them. And I do know they don't
travel and cut themselves off in ways when I'm not near.
Thank you and please do notify me when the answer goes up. Many many thanks!
Stuck
Dear Stuck:
I see a couple problems. One is that while the two of you
seem to have a great relationship, the decision has never been made to be a couple. The
other issue is your reluctance to live your own life, rather than pleasing your parents.
The first issue - no couplehood - is unfortunately very
common today. Couples create a pseudo relationship with no deep commitment, no decision to
walk through life together, making life decisions together and working toward a shared
goal. There is give and take in any relationship, but if there is no central commitment to
live life together, the couple has no direction and one person has to decide whether or
not to give up their own wishes and simply tag along with the other. The most stubborn
person 'wins'. On this issue I'd say that if the two of you can't agree to marry and
decide together where life is going for the two of you and how you can work together to
get there, you should probably move on. It's a shame since the two of you seem to get
along well, on the surface. But life is filled with huge problems and if the two of you
can't work together on this one, you probably won't survive other big problems. A
relationship, whether married or not, requires some self sacrifice in order to create a
new 'oneness' out of two people.
The other issue is how you should live your life in
relationship to your parents and family. This too, is a common issue in a world where
people seldom stay in one place all their lives. It is important to maintain a
relationship with family, and fortunately that can be done even long-distance with the
many methods of communication now available. If your parents shut themselves off from the
world in your absence, that is not your responsibility. If you do your part - stay in
touch, visit when you can, encourage them to visit, you've done all you can. It sounds
like they are trying to exert pressure on you to live near them, by not supporting your
desire to live away from them.
Treat these as two separate issues. You've already said that
you would move east in a heartbeat if your family were out of the picture. Would you move
there if your boyfriend were out of the picture? If that is where you really want to be,
do it.
The two of you will have to thrash out the commitment issue.
It does sound as though your boyfriend is afraid of making a real commitment. If that is
the case, as painful as it will be, I'd suggest that you move on. You've spent enough time
waiting for him to commit.
Best Wishes
