Friends and relatives often ask themselves why someone would remain in an abusive
relationship. It's difficult to imagine, but there are many reasons to stay, and to the
victim, they are all good reasons.
Women often stay for the following reasons:
Denial:
She truly may not believe she is being abused. In order to remain in the
relationship, she has found ways to explain away the incidents of mistreatment, whether
emotional or physical. Or, she may feel that she can "handle" him and avoid
serious incidents.
Financial:
Sadly, a woman often earns less money than a man, or may not work because of her
partner's objections. She knows if she leaves the relationship, she will have great
difficulty supporting herself. Usually, her partner has reinforced these fears, telling
her that he will not help support her, or that she can never find or keep a job. He may
also threaten to make trouble for her on the job, if she is employed. This issue is
compounded when there are children involved.
Fear:
Threats are used as an effective technique to keep someone in a relationship, which
is the goal of the abuser. A woman may have been told over and over that if she leaves the
relationship, terrible things will happen to her. He may have convinced her that no matter
where she goes, he will find her and never leave her alone. She may also fear living alone
and the prospect of trying to support herself and the children. Or he may have threatened
to kill her, the children and himself. (Threatening suicide is quite common in
relationships where the abuse is mostly emotional.)
Love:
A woman usually wants her relationship to work and is willing to hang in there
waiting and hoping things will improve. She may believe the promises and explanations her
partner offers and may feel she can't simply give up on the relationship because of a
"few problems."
Children:
Whether she wants her children to have good relationships with their father, or she
feels guilty "breaking up" the family, or because of his threats to keep her
away from the children, many times a woman stays in an abusive relationship because of her
children. Ironically, she will often leave because she realizes her children are being
adversely affected by living in an abusive atmosphere.
Religion:
Most religions strongly discourage divorce and the breakup of the family. These
ideals are admirable, but when abuse is involved, there is little Biblical support for
remaining. But, a woman who has strong religious convictions can feel an enormous guilt if
she leaves her marriage.
Pressures from family or church:
Surprisingly, the family may refuse to believe there is abuse in the relationship.
Abusers can appear to be very charming and likable to outsiders. Sometimes, when a woman
turns to her church for assistance, she is told she must stay in the marriage,
because of her vows. Fortunately, these attitudes are beginning to change with a greater
understanding of the horrible effects of abuse.
No place to go:
By the time she decides to leave, her abuser may have succeeded in isolating her
from her family and friends. She may feel she has nowhere to go. She may be embarrassed to
ask strangers for help and reluctant to go to a shelter, if there is one available.
Men often stay in abusive relationships for the following
reasons:
Yes, men can be abused, too, and not because they are "wimps." Although
the situation is somewhat different and usually involves mostly emotional abuse, and even
though it is usually easier - financially speaking - for a man to leave the relationship,
men often stay for various reasons.
Denial:
He may feel her abuse is caused by her emotional personality, PMS, or other hormone
fluctuations. He decides to ignore her abuse because he loves her and wants the
relationship to continue
Love:
In spite of the abuse, he may find enough good in the relationship to "make
up" for the abuse.
Financial:
He may stay, not because he wouldn't be able to support himself, but because of the
prospect of paying child support and alimony or dividing the marital assets. He may choose
to stay until the children are grown and then leave.
Fear:
While a man may stay out of fear, it is more often fear of what she will do to
herself, rather than what she might do to him. Abusive women often threaten suicide if her
partner leaves. Additionally, she may have threatened to make trouble for him at his job.
Insulation:
It may be easier for a man to avoid or ignore abusive incidents if he has a
demanding job, or reasons to be away from home regularly.
A word to friends and family:
Deciding what to do about an abusive relationship is an extremely difficult task. If
you know someone in an abusive relationship, try to understand the various complications
involved in deciding to leave the relationship. Avoid pressuring the victim and instead,
express your concern and offer your support in any way needed.
For information on reprinting this article,
contact: nora2@atthefence.com
About the Author
The author
previously taught relationship and parenting classes as well as facilitated support
groups and advocated for victims of abuse. Since 1996 she has written an online
advice column called At the Fence. Her
novel, Invisible Chains, is available through most bookstores, and online at Amazon.com
© 1997 Nora Penia All Rights Reserved
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