I recently married about six months ago. I've been with my new
husband for a total of 7 years. We will just call him C. C. has 2 children from a previous
marriage. A boy of 14 years old and a girl of 8 years old. The girl and I get along very
very well, we love each other very much and I can feel this in my heart. Unfortunately,
the boy, and we'll call him D, and I don't seem to get along that well. My husband
has just gotten his children back in his care shortly after we married. He is and was
close to his children during the time he didn't have them in his care. Now is the
time that they are with us and there are some problems between myself and the son.
The problem is that he is hardly respectful to me and/or most adults.
I feel when it comes to disciplining the
children when they do wrong, C.
just seems to not do it until I mention it to him. I think C. does not want to be
the bad guy and leaves it up to me. This makes me feel like the evil stepmother. C.
doesn't help when it comes time for the daughter to learn her studies in school. I will
sit down with her and test her on her times tables and her reading. C will just sit on the
couch and watch his sports. If D. says or does something disrespectful C. will let
it go until I say don't allow your son to speak to you that way. The most trouble I
have is that D. won't even call me by my name, he will say either hey you have a phone
call or he'll just hand me the phone to avoid communication.
I have spoke with D. before and we would get
along fine that same day but
come the next day it's back to the way it used to be. No communication. Will
try to avoid eye contact. Seems to only be nice to me if he wants something.
To make all matters worst is my husband won't do anything about it, only if it
is happening to him.
Please help me with my confusion and frustration.
Frustrated
Dear Frustrated:
Making a family unit out of a blended family is
very difficult work. It takes time, and it takes effort - the effort of all the people
involved. It won't happen if you can't involve your husband in this process. Dealing
with a 14 year old boy is different from dealing with an eight year old girl. His age and
sex make this a difficult time to have a step mother suddenly telling him what to do, and
expecting him to have a good attitude. Certainly you have the right to be treated
respectfully by your stepson, however, you may need to adjust your expectations of what
that means. You can't force him to like you, so focus on the signs of basic respect
such as his tone of voice, rather than eye-contact. Patience may pay off, in time.
Continue to let him know, gently, what you expect as far as doing chores, rules of the
house, etc., and let him learn to like you in his own time.
Talk to your husband and let him know that there
are certain things that as father, he must do. Taking an interest in the children's
schoolwork is one. You need to decide exactly what you want from him. The important thing
is that he shows the children, by his actions, that you are part of this family now, and
must be treated as such. I'd suggest family conferences once a week to set goals as a
family for learning to work together and planning family activities.
If your husband will not cooperate with you on
this, I'd suggest seeing a counselor on your own. There may be deeper issues here.
Best Wishes
The Combined Family : A Guide to Creating Successful
Step-Relationships by Taube S. Kaufman, Glenn D. Slovenko, Helen Coale September
1993 Plenum Pub Corp
Stepmotherhood : How
to Survive Without Feeling Frustrated, Left Out, or Wicked
by Cherie Burns
Paperback - 240 pages Rep edition
(October 1986)
HarperCollins (paper);
