Friends and relatives often ask themselves why someone would
remain in an abusive relationship. It's difficult to imagine, but there are many reasons
to stay, and to the victim, they are all good reasons.
Women often stay for the following
reasons:
Denial:
She truly may not believe she is being abused. In order to
remain in the relationship, she has found ways to explain away the incidents of
mistreatment, whether emotional or physical. Or, she may feel that she can
"handle" him and avoid serious incidents.
Financial:
Sadly, a woman often earns less money than a man, or may not
work because of her partner's objections. She knows if she leaves the relationship, she
will have great difficulty supporting herself. Usually, her partner has reinforced these
fears, telling her that he will not help support her, or that she can never find or keep a
job. He may also threaten to make trouble for her on the job, if she is employed. This
issue is compounded when there are children involved.
Fear:
Threats are used as an effective technique to keep someone in
a relationship, which is the goal of the abuser. A woman may have been told over and over
that if she leaves the relationship, terrible things will happen to her. He may have
convinced her that no matter where she goes, he will find her and never leave her alone.
She may also fear living alone and the prospect of trying to support herself and the
children. Or he may have threatened to kill her, the children and himself. (Threatening
suicide is quite common in relationships where the abuse is mostly emotional.)
Love:
A woman usually wants her relationship to work and is willing
to hang in there waiting and hoping things will improve. She may believe the promises and
explanations her partner offers and may feel she can't simply give up on the relationship
because of a "few problems."
Children:
Whether she wants her children to have good relationships
with their father, or she feels guilty "breaking up" the family, or because of
his threats to keep her away from the children, many times a woman stays in an abusive
relationship because of her children. Ironically, she will often leave because she
realizes her children are being adversely affected by living in an abusive atmosphere.
Religion:
Most religions strongly discourage divorce and the breakup of
the family. These ideals are admirable, but when abuse is involved, there is little
Biblical support for remaining. But, a woman who has strong religious convictions can feel
an enormous guilt if she leaves her marriage.
Pressures from family or church:
Surprisingly, the family may refuse to believe there is abuse
in the relationship. Abusers can appear to be very charming and likable to outsiders.
Sometimes, when a woman turns to her church for assistance, she is told she must
stay in the marriage, because of her vows. Fortunately, these attitudes are beginning to
change with a greater understanding of the horrible effects of abuse.
No place to go:
By the time she decides to leave, her abuser may have
succeeded in isolating her from her family and friends. She may feel she has nowhere to
go. She may be embarrassed to ask strangers for help and reluctant to go to a shelter, if
there is one available.
Men often stay in abusive relationships
for the following reasons:
Yes, men can be abused, too, and not because they are
"wimps." Although the situation is somewhat different and usually involves
mostly emotional abuse, and even though it is usually easier - financially speaking - for
a man to leave the relationship, men often stay for various reasons.
Denial:
He may feel her abuse is caused by her emotional personality,
PMS, or other hormone fluctuations. He decides to ignore her abuse because he loves her
and wants the relationship to continue
Love:
In spite of the abuse, he may find enough good in the
relationship to "make up" for the abuse.
Financial:
He may stay, not because he wouldn't be able to support
himself, but because of the prospect of paying child support and alimony or dividing the
marital assets. He may choose to stay until the children are grown and then leave.
Fear:
While a man may stay out of fear, it is more often fear of
what she will do to herself, rather than what she might do to him. Abusive women often
threaten suicide if her partner leaves. Additionally, she may have threatened to make
trouble for him at his job.
Insulation:
It may be easier for a man to avoid or ignore abusive
incidents if he has a demanding job, or reasons to be away from home regularly.
A word to friends and family:
Deciding what to do about an abusive relationship is an
extremely difficult task. If you know someone in an abusive relationship, try to
understand the various complications involved in deciding to leave the relationship. Avoid
pressuring the victim and instead, express your concern and offer your support in any way
needed.
For information on reprinting this article,
contact: nora2@atthefence.com
About the Author
The author
previously taught relationship and parenting classes as well as facilitated support
groups and advocated for victims of abuse. Since 1996 she has written an online
advice column called At the Fence. Her
novel, Invisible Chains, is available through most bookstores, and online at Amazon.com
© 1997 Nora Penia All Rights Reserved
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