Recognizing the Cycle of Abuse
by Nora Penia
Most people in abusive relationships
can identify a repetitive cycle in their relationship, once they know what to look for.
This cycle works to keep them in the relationship, by offering them hope and a respite
from the abuse. It also creates confusion, since the victim will almost always try to
figure out how to maintain the peaceful times, thinking that there must be some formula to
the craziness going on in the relationship.
This is what the cycle looks
like:
A period of time when things are
mostly ok. No big outbursts, things going along fairly smoothly. Then, tension begins to
build. The victim can tell that things are not ok anymore, although the cause for the
change may not be apparent. Family members begin to feel that they need to be careful, not
to rock the boat, stay out of the abuser's way, do things to keep the abuser happy.
Nothing works for long, though, and
inevitably there is a blowup of some sort. Depending on the kind of abuse occurring in the
relationship, there may be an angry argument, with hurtful things said, or it may escalate
to something physical. Everyone is upset and hurt and confused and maybe fearful.
Usually this is followed by a make
up attempt which may include apologies, promises to change or never act that way again,
sometimes gifts of flowers or other gifts, generous gestures, making love, etc. Anything
that will persuade the victim to stay in the relationship, or return to the relationship.
This cycle repeats over and over and
over. The cycle may be short - weekly or daily- or long, with months or years between
episodes. But, almost always, the cycle is there and it's one of the things which keeps
the victim hooked.
Often the victim thinks of the
relationship as periods of peace interupted by unexplainable times of crisis. A more
realistic way to look at the relationship is as times of crisis interupted by periods of
calm.
© 1997 Nora Penia All
Rights Reserved
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this article, contact:nora2@atthefence.com
About the Author
Nora Penia is an educator and writer.
She has written a novel, Invisible Chains, available at bookstores, and online at
Amazon. Since 1996 she has edited At the Fence, an online magazine addressing relationship
issues.
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