Frequently, the question is asked:
"How can I recognize someone who is abusive?" Here are some tip-offs to an
abusive personality.
1. The Need to be in Control
The core issue for an abuser is the
need to control. Unfortunately, this does not mean the desire to control self, but to
control someone else - the target. It is not unusual for an abuser to deny this desire and
in fact, accuse the target of being the one trying to control. The abuser may try to
control many things: thoughts, speech and actions, clothing worn, employment, access to
money and how it is spent, choice of friends, use of spare time, what is said and to whom
it is said, and so on.
2. A Critical Nature
An abuser may be very critical - of
the target's appearance, taste in clothes, music, friends and family, anything the target
is interested in. Often, though, this criticism is disguised as loving concern. The abuser
will justify the criticism by explaining that it is for the victim's own good and is done
out of love. For example: "You are so attractive, why don't you wear your hair
long?" Or: "Tight jeans make you look like a tramp, and you don't want people to
think badly of you."
Often, early in a relationship, the
criticism will be very slight, until the abuser feels a commitment to the relationship has
been made on the part of the target. This commitment can be anything from dating steadily,
sleeping together, marriage or the conception of a child.
3. A Need to Shut Out the World
Many abusers try to cut the target
off from friends and family. The abuser will point out ways in which family and friends
act unlovingly toward the target, slowly trying to turn the target away from them. The
abuser may contrive to move the target to another city or state, to limit contact. Once
out of sight, it is much easier to control the amount of contact the target has with
friends and family. These "outsiders" are often blamed for any problems the
couple have.
5. A Jealous and Possessive
Nature
Usually abusers have a wide streak
of jealousy and may question the target about how time is spent and with whom, what was
said, and may probe for details about any friend's background. Of course, jealousy is
explained away with declarations of love. "If I didn't love you so much, I wouldn't
care who you saw, or what you did."
Abusers seem to share the idea that
what belongs to the target, belongs to the abuser. An abuser will quickly expect the
target to share anything of value with the abuser and may even push for shared financial
investments or commitments. At the same time, the abuser may be very reluctant to share
personal possessions with the target. Everything in a relationship with an abuser is
one-way- the abuser's way.
6. A Deep Internal Rage
The abuser often carries a volatile
rage inside and it will flare up unexpectedly, in reaction to minor irritations. Many
targets of abuse describe arguments with their abuser about "stupid" things.
Ironically, the abuser uses the very fact that something minor caused a major fight to
indicate that the abuser is really not an angry person.
7. An Unbelievable Charm
Frequently, abusers have charming
and likable personalities. But this charm is shallow and often a target will be warned by
those who know the abuser, but may disregard these warnings as jealous back-biting.
8. A Cruel Tongue
Many times, an early indication of
abuse is the use of verbal language designed to make the target feel small, ugly,
worthless or stupid. Cutting remarks are used whenever the abuser feels down and out. By
making the target feel lousy, too, the abuser feels better. Even so-called pet names are
often thinly disguised abuse.
9. A tendency to blame others.
Abusers have a talent for twisting
things around so it appears someone else is to blame for whatever goes wrong. If they get
mad - it's someone else's fault. If they hit someone, it's their fault. If the car
breaks down, it's someone else's fault. Usually, the person an abuser blames is the victim
-- the spouse or lover. Abusers are so good at this that the victim often comes to believe
it is true. Then the victim feels guilty.
10. Cycles of Fighting and
Making-up
Making up with an abuser can seem
wonderful. Often the abuser will make grand gestures and give wonderful gifts - emotional
strokes and real objects. Compliments, declarations of eternal love, expensive gifts
(sometimes purchased with the target's money) help sooth the target's damaged feelings.
Unfortunately, these measures are simply a ploy to regain the affections of the target and
help cement the relationship.
11. Behavior Which Creates A
Sense of Confusion in the Target
Surprisingly, abusers do not seem to
realize that the things they do to hold the target close, pushes the target away. Over
time, the target begins to carry a feeling of sadness within, and because of the abuser's
attacks, feels that somehow the fault lies within, not the abuser, but the target. Along
with the sadness, many targets describe feeling very confused about the relationship, what
should be done and the causes of the problems.
12. Physical Contact
It should be understood that any
physical action such as "playful" slapping, pinching, pushing, shoving,
tripping, etc. can be a HUGE warning sign. There is nothing funny about causing
discomfort, fear or injury, even in the "name" of fun. Watch out for any person
who uses such tactics.
What is the best way to avoid
getting involved with an abuser?
Unfortunately there is no sure way,
but one good idea is to give the new relationship lots of time to develop naturally,
getting to know each other and each other's friends and family. Abusers often want to rush
the relationship, demanding a show of affection and commitment very early.
Find out as much as you can about
the background of the prospective mate - whether or not marriage is involved. Such as:
what was the childhood like? How do the parents get along? What about previous
relationships? How did the relationships end? How are personal problems handled? Is there
a tendency to blame others?
Introduce the new person to friends
and family and listen to their feedback. Read about verbal and physical abuse. The more
you know, the better your chances of avoiding an abusive relationship.
About the Author
Nora Penia is an educator and writer.
Her novel, Invisible Chains, is available at bookstores, and online at Amazon. Since
1996 she has edited At the Fence, an online magazine addressing relationship issues.
© 1997 Nora Penia All Rights Reserved
For information on reprinting this article,
contact: nora2@atthefence.com
Warning!
No part of this website may be used on another's website,
newsletter, ezine or other electronic or print publication without express permission of
the author. Nora Penia is the sole owner of all content not attributed to others. All this
material is copyrighted and any illegal use is against the law.
