I have been dating this man for a year. I am newly divorced
from a 12 year marriage (my idea), he just got divorced from his 2nd wife. He spent a year
in anger management because she said he had issues with anger and left him after only 6
months of marriage.
Things seemed to be going fine with us, but the first time I
questioned something he said (3 months into it) he had an angry outburst that stunned me
and I knew in my gut I needed keep my distance at that point because of the way he spoke
to me... I didn't because when he's not angry he's an affectionate, loving and consistent
man who has always treated me with respect and does many things for me and spoils me.
He never abuses me in front of anyone and is always
complimentary and adoring, except when he's angry. The fights are happening more often,
especially since we made more of a commitment to each other. When I ask for anything more
than he is giving me, (i.e. more sex, my eggs over easy instead of scrambled, to talk
about our relationship and how to find the tools to avoid our fighting, going here instead
of there) he explodes at me and starts to be verbally abusive and threatening.
He says I should be happy with what he gives me, he can't
believe it's not enough and if it's not then I can find someone else. He says my need to
discuss my feelings is ruining our relationship. Then he goes into the routine of saying
we were having such a wonderful night, why did I have to ruin everything, why can't I just
be satisfied with what he gives me because it should be enough, he spent $100 on dinner,
etc. etc. The other night we had a fight about sex (I wanted it, he was tired, I asked if
there was anything I could do to change his mind, he got mad) that escalated into another
verbal battle. He told me to shut up repeatedly and called me names I won't write
(F&^%ing psycho for one). I was laying in bed with him and he started to use his hand
to poke and push me in my side to make his point that I "push and push and push
him". I felt like this was the intro to getting physical with me. I got up to leave
and started gathering my things and got dressed. I calmly left the bedroom with my clothes
and went downstairs to get the rest of my things, he followed me around threatening me and
told me to get the *&^% out of his house, etc.
He always looks very threatening and physically his features
even change. He looks ugly, it's hard to explain. I feel that if I stay with him it will
escalate into more verbal abuse and maybe even physical. He used to apologize, now he says
I provoked him and if I didn't he wouldn't do that to me. He called me the next day after
our fight and said if I hadn't pushed him he would have never treated me that way. I told
him I loved him but he needed help. He wanted me to go to an event that night with him
"so he wouldn't have to explain to everyone why I wasn't there" and I told him
no. He exploded again and said "you deserve everything you got last night". I
realized at that point that he was sick.
Now I am starting to question myself again because I love so
many of the beautiful qualities he has and he only abuses me when we fight. I miss him.
I've never been verbally abused before. Am I in a verbally abusive relationship or am I
overreacting? I'm starting to doubt my instincts. Please respond.
Overreacting?
Dear Overreacting:
No, I don't think you are overreacting. Are you being
emotionally abused? Absolutely. Even more than that, you are being physically abused. It
may seem minor, but poking you is physical. It doesn't matter that he only acts this way
when he is angry - abuse is abuse. He uses his anger as an excuse to be abusive. It
probably makes him feel in control - something he needs, since he can't control his
feelings or express them appropriately. He treats you better when others are around
because he knows that his behavior is not okay and doesn't want others to know what he's
like. You've seen a glimpse of the nasty personality under his facade in the expressions
and attitudes.
It's almost a certainty that he abused wife #1 and 2. You
already know that his last wife left after only six months. It's not possible to make someone abusive. He is responsible for his actions, no matter what; he always has
choices. Most abusers know exactly what they are doing
and could control their behavior if they tried. Your husband chooses when to blow up -
when you are alone. Some abusers who hit, make sure they don't hit areas that will show a
bruise, a sure sign of control.
When we look at relationships where physical abuse is
happening, we find a history of emotional abuse. Abuse tends to grow stronger over time
and more intense, eventually leading to physical abuse in many cases. Emotional abuse is a
clear sign of an unhealthy relationship. It's very difficult to get an abuser to change,
since it takes a lot of work to change and may be painful. Most abusers prefer to avoid
acknowledging that they need to change.
It may seem a shame to have lost a year on this relationship,
but I'd say, "Move on."
Best Wishes
