I am 23 years old. I have been in a committed relationship
with my fiancé the past 4 years; we met my sophomore year of college; I was 19 & he
was 28. My family loves him and he has grown close to them spending every Christmas and
all holidays together since we first met.
Our relationship blossomed rather quickly, since our 1st
date. Set up on a blind date that was originally meant to be a practical joke, this
backfired, since we took a liking to each other. Before I knew it, 2 weeks after the 1st
date we slept together, and 6 months later we opened up a joint bank account which we
began putting money into, with intentions of securing money for our future wedding or down
payment on a home. He lived at home with his parents until he was 31; we moved into our
apartment together in August 2001.
He was not interested in living together at first, and I gave
him a hard-time about this, insisting that this was the next step to better get to know
one another & to "play-house." I told him I was not ready to get engaged
when I finished up college in May 2001. In November 2001 he proposed to me, we then have
been engaged the past year and two months. We had an engagement party with our close
family and received around a thousand or more dollars cash & gifts (we put in the
joint account) and also a full set of glassware from his parents, in addition to numerous
gifts, from Lenox frames to crystal.
In Dec 2002 I arrived at a crossroads in my life and began to
realize over the past 4 years, I have not done numerous things I would have pursued, had I
been single, including leaving my sorority weeks after I met him in Jan 02, not pursuing
study abroad for a semester, and not applying to graduate schools out-of-state. All these
choices were my own, but influenced in some respect by his views (that included
him crying to me on the phone) that we would be apart, he'd never see me, and there was no
reason for me to do these things, often discrediting their value or need.
After living together since Aug 01 & getting very close
to his parents, siblings, aunt, uncle, niece and nephews, and being at a crossroads of
growth and development, I came to the realization this is not, perhaps, the person I
should marry. I am questioning my decision and welcome guidance in helping me determine
making the best choice, since he has been so nice to me since, and has become the
perfect boyfriend, showering me with gifts at Christmas and discussing a car and dog as
gifts for me, as well as room decorations for "the house" he plans to buy when I
finish grad school.
He is VERY CLOSE to his mother (youngest child), father
(youngest child), older sister 40, and older brother 42. He is just about 33 now & is
his parents' favorite child. I am the oldest of 3 girls. He often yells at me,
angry the apartment is not clean enough, and has lied to me two times, 1st about his age
when I first met him, and second about a health condition he shared with his family but
kept from me. He gets mad and has called me names in anger over the years, hates my new
female friend co-worker, yelling whenever she calls, and gets upset when he's not included
in social gatherings with co-workers and friends my age, all female. I tell him I
am young and just want to enjoy life, not be crazy, but he thinks there is no reason to go
out without him or go to bars, because this would mean I would talk to other guys. He says
as an engaged couple we should do things together and that he is insulted he is not
invited, even when it's "just the girls."
I have a year of grad school left and feel this relationship
is really stressing me out. My grades have dropped this semester. The other part of me
really cares about his well-being and emotional state if I were to break up with him and
have him move out of the apartment. I love him but am no longer in love with him; we have
not had sex the last 2 months and not 4 months before that. I got the guts up and gave him
back the ring & explained how I felt. He said to me do you know how many women
would love this ring and then told me the ring's appraisal value. I told him I
needed to live alone and that he should move out and back with his parents. He says he's a
failure if he returns home, that the neighbors will see his truck. He insists he will be
at the apt on weekends only so I can do what I need to. He doesn't seem to be
hearing me, and tells me to snap out of it and that we should go to counseling to work
this out.
If a couple has to go to counseling, doesn't it say something
about getting married? And how do I deal with the engagement gifts and bank account? He
has several pieces of furniture that must be moved out with a moving truck. He refuses to
return his apt keys to me, telling me once I get the apt cleaned and in order things will
be fine, and he thinks he's moving back in. He cried and sobbed hysterically in the apt
when I returned the ring and this crushed me I feel like I hate myself and I am a terribly
mean horrible person. He has a temper and listens to what he wants, has thrown
pillows across the room, destroyed a phone in anger, but never physically hit me with any
objects or his fists. We bicker a lot, just like how his parents
communicate. He has called me names, says I am a slob and an a**h****,
making me cry. He's been staying at his parents the last few days and says I
am supposed to be with him, and discusses material items we have or that he will provide
for me, including how he takes care of me, that I am selfish and will never find anyone
that will take care of me the way he does, that I will be alone, and that I need to
"snap out of it,"and that I am a difficult person to live with, since I
have ADD, but this condition is managed with medicine I take as prescribed. He says I act
silly but I am just being happy at times. I sleep on the couch.
Do you think he is manipulating or verbally abusing me? Any
suggestions on how to be more clear would be very helpful. I am very independent and
determined to be a career woman but don't want to hurt him & worry he will never marry
or meet anyone if I break up with him. He has been in construction the last 12 years
and has no intention of moving or leaving his job. I am still in grad school and have not
secured a full time job out of grad school. Please help me.
Questions
Dear Questions:
Please look at your question and take note of the items in BOLD.
These are clues to your fiancé's abusive personality. Many people resist placing
the label of 'abuser' on their partner. The word paints a picture of a person who uses
violence to control a relationship. However, abuse includes many non-violent behaviors.
All these behaviors are designed to make the victim or target do what the abuser wants.
These behaviors can include verbal abuse, emotional
manipulation, displays of temper, rewards and punishments (gifts and threats), instilling
fear or dread, making the target feel responsible for the abuser's behavior and fate,
making the target feel unlovable, stupid, foolish, etc., influencing
the targets choices and contacts with others, to name a few. Your letter is so full of
clues that it shouts ABUSE. I think it is significant that you have noticed that his
parents communicate the same way your fiancé does. This is where he learned how to have a
relationship.
Although it is a good idea for almost every couple to get
some counseling before marriage, in this case, I don't believe it would be helpful.
He wants to show you that all these problems are yours, not his. He probably would find
some reason not to attend the counseling or quit early on. With these types of control
issues, he is unlikely to change. It will take a long time of dedicated work for him to
relearn the values and attitudes he has learned.
It may help to consult an attorney about the furniture, gifts
and bank account questions. Do this alone. Since the two of you are not married, that will
make some things easier, but may complicate others. Is he on the apartment lease with you?
Has he moved out? If he has moved out, you may want to change the locks and arrange
to have his furniture moved out. If he is not on the lease, that will make things easier,
although in some areas if someone has been staying with you for a certain length of time,
you can't just make them move out. You might have to have him evicted. There are many
legal issues you need legal advice for.
Also, you may want to talk to an abuse counselor about how to
handle the emotional repercussions of breaking off with an abuser. Many women renew their
relationship because of the guilt the abuser instills in them. They often go on to marry
them and start families with their abuser. However, this doesn't end the abuse. It just
gets worse. Then, it's even harder to get out, especially after children arrive. (Call
1-800-799-7233 for the number of a center near you which can help with this.)
You are wise and courageous to end this relationship now.
Your fiancé does not want you to be happy, he wants you to make HIM happy.
Best Wishes
