I have been dating a man 12 years my senior. I am 34 he is 46
now. I love him but I question his love for me. No matter how much I do, it is never
good enough. We moved in together after about a year. I have helped him with
bills that were not my own, even before we moved in together, thinking that by doing so it
would help with our trying to build a future together. The problem is that in doing
this I have exhausted what little savings I have. I am constantly spending my money
when we should be splitting everything. He seems unconcerned about anyone's feelings
but his own, he never offers to pay me half of the bills I pay by myself or when I
buy groceries or when I do laundry.
It is a mess. Now he has a little money set aside (of course) and when I
asked him to help me with some of my obligations, he refuses. He is selfish
and self centered. I realize this. I give so much of myself where he and
everyone else is concerned and I get nothing back. I never expected to, nor did I
look for anything when I was doing these things. I feel used, alone
and mad with myself for allowing myself to be so stupid. I left and moved
in with my aunt once, but as soon as he called to apologize I went back, the
very next day.
I know what I should do, but question if I can or not. I have no money set
aside now for a rainy day.
Lost and confused.
Dear Lost and Confused:
Since you have a good grasp of the situation and still choose
to remain in this relationship, it may help to talk to a counselor who can help you
discover why you are neglecting your own needs. It is great to have concern for
others and to try to help them, but not if it means subjecting yourself to abuse and
neglecting your own needs. The answer may stem from your early childhood when your ideas
of who you are were formed. It may be you were neglected and learned that if you did
things for others you would receive some attention and that in your child's mind,
attention was the same as love.
Some of these books might help, too.
Changes That Heal : How to Understand Your Past to Ensure a Healthier
Future
by Henry, Dr. Cloud
and workbook:Changes
That Heal Workbook : How to Understand Your Past to Ensure a Healthier Future
by Henry Cloud
Paperback - 125 pages (September 1994)
Zondervan Publishing House;
Healing the
Scars of Emotional Abuse
by Gregory L. Jantz Paperback (June 1995) Fleming H
Revell Co
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