I'm 21 years old and I can't get along with my mother. My entire life we have fought
and I'm not talking small disagreements I'm talking about huge wars. She had me in
counseling all throughout my teenage years convinced that she knew exactly "what is
wrong with me". When I finished high school I moved to another country to get away
from her because I couldn't take it. This was an eye opening experience for me because
before that I had always thought that I was the problem (that is what I was told).
My
father was abusive to all of us so she left him, she then began dating/living with another
man who was an alcoholic and also abusive, when I moved out of the country she left that
man for another man and moved in with him and he was also abusive but only mentally. I
couldn't get along with him and there was a huge confrontation between my mother him and
me (I said some awful things I will admit it) and I moved out and in with the boyfriend
that she had left for him (he was the closest thing I ever had to a father even though he
is abusive and an alcoholic).
I
didn't speak to my mother for months and then we did begin talking again but the
relationship since then has been strained. I then moved back out of the country and came
home a few months ago and began living with her ex boyfriend again. This has been going on
since I was 17 and I'm now 21 and 1/2. Since then she has also moved out of that
boyfriend's house and has begun dating someone new but she lives in her own apartment now.
I
will admit something that I know is wrong; I don't have any respect for my mother at all.
She knows this, and believe me I feel horrible about it. Whenever we argue she always says
ugly things to me (she thinks it's perfectly normal and that I just need to deal with it
because she's my mother) my entire life she has talked ugly, and not just to me but also
to all of her exes and anyone that doesn't agree with her.
Since
I haven't been living in her house I don't take it anymore. I give it back to her or tell
her I don't want to here it there is nothing wrong with me. She came from an abusive
household and it's all she's ever known and I try to talk to her about the way she talks
to me but she doesn't care, all she says is I’m worse because she is my parent.
At
this point in my life I don't feel like I need to take anymore abuse and whenever she
talks to me ugly I try to point it out to her ask her why she's yelling and all that
happens is she gets worse (she also has issues) About two weeks ago I had to move back
into her house because her ex boyfriend's drinking has gotten so bad I can't live there
anymore.
All
I do is fight with her every single day like before. It usually happens like this I try to
talk to her about something that happened during the day such as something with a guy I'm
dating or food I want to make, it could be anything at all and the conversation always
goes back to "what is wrong with me" and how I hate myself and I have low self
esteem and how I’m miserable, I don't have any self respect much worse.
You
don't know me but trust me when I tell you I don't have low self esteem, I don't hate
myself, I have self respect (I honestly just don't respect her), and I'm going through a
rough patch right now but I'm not a miserable person. All of the things that she pointed
out are things that she herself is insecure about, and these are the things my whole life
she has told me are wrong with me and I promise you this isn't who I am.
I
have great friends, I enjoy traveling, I'm a very social person and I've only been going
through a rough patch the last couple months because I'm trying to figure out what I want
to do with my life. (I was in college overseas but decided that I want to change my
major.)
Her
new thing is that I need to go back to counseling and I agree I think that everyone can be
helped by counseling and I told her that she needs to go also. Her reply: 'I will only go
to tell them what's wrong with you. I don't need counseling.'
This
is something else you have to understand she had me in counseling for years and on
anti-depressants and anything you can think of because she blames me for her life. The
last counselor I saw couldn't even understand why I was in counseling. He told me that I
seem to enjoy my life I have a great circle of friends and that he thinks my mother is the
one that needs counseling but she doesn't want help so my only option is to make it to 18
and then I can move out. And basically I took the advice.
My
mother has 5 other siblings and a mother that is still living and none of them want
anything to do with her because she was ugly to all of them and cut them off. (She blames
all of them and says they're the ones with the problems) and now she wants to cut me out
of her life as well if I don't go to counseling.
I
have no problem going but it's not going to change anything I was in counseling for 6 or 7
years and it also changed nothing about our relationship because she needs to go as well.
I'm worried that our relationship is going to crumble soon and it's very upsetting because
she is the only family that I have and to be honest I'm afraid to be out there without
anyone else. I really need some help with dealing with this situation because I don't know
what to do anymore.
Mother
problems
Dear
Mother problems:
Any
help you are receiving from your mother is not worth it. She is not going to change
anytime soon and you need to get on with your life. SLiving with her ex-boyfriend is not a
good choice, either.
While
you are trying to decide what to do about school and career, get a job so you can support
yourself, or supplement any help you might get from some of your friends. Perhaps you
could move in with one of them for awhile.
It
would be healthier for you to minimize contact with your mother. She is not healthy for
you - it is not okay for her to abuse you even if she is your mother, and while you should
show her respect, that does not include allowing her to mistreat you.
Giving
her back what she give you does not help anything. It just makes you appear to be as bad
as she is and makes her feel better about herself since she can say - 'see how bad you
treat me?' Try to ignore the things she says about you while being as polite and nice as
you can to her. It is almost impossible to explain to an abuser that what they are doing
is wrong - they just won't hear you. Reasoning doesn't help.
Try
to disengage from this relationship - which isn't a real relationship at all. You can
still be her daughter, but don't lean on her. Perhaps when she sees that you don't need
her and she can't abuse her, she will leave you alone.
Best
Wishes
© 2008 Nora Penia
All Rights Reserved
