I have been in a relationship for 8 years now and have been feeling so
alone. We met through telephone dating service. At the beginning for the first 2 years I
had to wait until he was ready to commit. He finally committed and then he relocated.
I stayed where I
was to go to school. When he relocated he told me he wanted us (my 2 kids and myself) to
move with him, but he moved to a 1 bedroom cabin in the woods (I didn’t drive at the
time either). We kept pure relationship through phone calls and brief visits.
I went to visit him and realised
that he had cheated on me. He had told me that his cousin was up and not to phone that
weekend... He actually phoned me when she was in the shower.
At first he denied it, but then he
got really angry. I had found out that he was still using telephone-dating site. This
encounter did not seem spontaneous as he says it was.... I found wine in his house. (we
don’t drink wine). And he finally admitted that he met her from this phone site.
I chose to move on and leave this
incident behind me. Well he then went through health issues with his eyes. glaucoma and
retinopathy. I was there. He came back to me and I cared for and nursed him. Took care of
his every need. I stayed by his side for the whole 6 months. When he was better, we all
moved to his place of residence.
Well the tides got reversed and I
got sick. I had to have an emergency hysterectomy and several other repairs. The day I got
out of the hospital, a friend asked if she and her 4 kids could stay with us, spouse said
yes. Well the first day home and I was ignored. He said he had to organize the basement
for her. Well it took a month for that to happen. I was crying, cause I felt terrible and
alone on my first day home. 27 and a hysterectomy and cooking for my kids already.
I felt totally scammed in life. I
always wanted more children (I lost 1 to sids years earlier) and now I felt I just got
slapped in the face. I couldn’t talk to him because he was downstairs and whenever I
called he either ignored me or didn't hear me.
Well I was doing complete housework
within 2 - 3 weeks from there. He came with me to every appointment and the doctor doted
on what a good spouse I had and how caring he was.
The friend moved in a month later
and I was left babysitting 4 kids( 23 special needs and an infant) and my own 2 kids.
I needed surgery again shortly
after... My bladder fell again. I received the same amount of help and everyone thought he
was so good cause he took time off work to help. Didn’t happen... He slept most of
the time and wouldn’t even bring me a drink.
Well that was last summer. Now I've
had 2 more repairs and am inoperable anymore.... it has fallen again. I went to the
hospital after the last surgery with a lot of pain. They said it was because I was doing
too much and gave me strict instructions NOT TO DO ANYTHING. Well he was with me and as
soon as we got home he suggested I do dishes cause that’s not really doing anything.
Well I hemorrhaged that night.
Anyway I feel as if I could not heal
properly. I feel like I'm a maid and not a person in his eyes. I have to constantly bring
him everything. I cook and clean. If I work I still have to do it all because I don’t
work as long of hours as him. He is more demanding than my 2 children. I can’t keep
up. When I tell him no, he tells the kids to get it for him. He just goes to work and
lies on the couch ordering everyone else around.
Now he's so angry and calling me
down all the time. He’s accusing me of cheating on him, calling me a slut and a
whore. He dressed up as a pimp for Halloween and now says he’s my pimp. He's
constantly angry and yelling. He wont get help because we are in a small town and everyone
will know.
When I first met him, I was quiet,
shy and always happy. Never swore either. Now I am always angry always yelling and
screaming and swear a lot. I am ashamed with this and want help, but will it help or is he
an underlying cause to my anger?
I have no joy in life anymore. I
feel alone and angry. I spend lots of time with the kids but he always has an excuse, so
there is no family time either. I don’t have any friends. I am too shy to talk to
people. My mother has always been my soundboard. She always listened to me complain, but
now she is in the hospital fighting leukemia.
My life is a worthless, meaningless
mess. If it weren’t for the kids, I probably would have been gone long ago, but the
kids help me hold on...
What should I be doing? Is it me? I need advice Please.
Trapped
Dear Trapped:
You are way too patient and hopeful.
You deserve better than this type of treatment. This is gross abuse. Even though he may
never touch you, he is abusing you. Unfortunately I have heard many stories like this,
especially the things regarding your surgery. This is one of the cruelist forms of abuse!
I think you know what you must do.
You must leave, and you must find a way out. Consult an attorney, Call the abuse hotline
and find out what is available in your area, 1-800-799-7233
I'm hoping that you did not marry this man,
so you can pack your things, take your kids and leave. If you have friends that can help
you, start there. The Abuse number can give you names and numbers of all sorts of helping
agencies in your area. Don't be too proud to ask for help.
If you did marry him, consult an attorney. A
husband has legal obligations to a wife and he definitely has not carried them out. He has
been using you, and abusing you.
As for your anger, of course he is an
underlying cause, but you can control your reactions to him. You must uderstand that he
wants you to react with anger and abuse - that makes you just like him, in his eyes. It
tells him that there is nothing wrong with HIM, cause you are angry too. Son't react to
him. Bite your tonge.
For your sake, and your kids, get out of
there! Be careful. Leaving is the most dangerous time. Many abusers become very violent
when their 'victim' tries to leave. Keep your plans to yourself. Talk to the experts -
someone at an abuse center - who can help you leave safely.
I know this will be hard, but thousands of
women have done this. You can, too. I will pray for you.
God Bless.
