My
fiancé and I have been together for 8+ years. We were friends as kids and fell in
love in college. We've been together ever since. Though we had some
pretty tough times (i.e. financial, emotional, death, breakups) we've managed to get
through it all because we honestly share a solid love and mutual respect for one another.
About 4 months ago, we found out we were pregnant and at first I was scared. I knew
I was ready to commit to him forever but the pregnancy was accidental and it truly
just scared me. We both agreed that now would be a great time to get married because
of the baby and we knew we loved each other so much. I knew he would be an excellent
father and a good husband because he's been ready to start a family as far back as I can
remember.
The
idea of being parents suddenly became feelings of joy and excitement and both of our
families were unbelievably happy. About 6 weeks ago I miscarried our baby and I was
absolutely devastated. In my heart I couldn't grasp why it happened, though my head
understood fully. I began feeling he wasn't as upset as I was about the
miscarriage and I was reacting to my devastation at times through fighting and sadness.
As time has gone on I have been able to slowly accept our misfortune and have begun to
plan my wedding details. But I noticed that my fiancé was a little more distant and
not really willing to participate in the planning. I blew it off as a man being a
man about wedding details but he would become more and more frustrated about the financial
piece of it to the point of anger and huge fights. Finally about a week ago, he came
home and told me that he wasn't sure if this was what he wanted and ultimately he realized
he hadn't been happy for a really long time.
He
said he'd been feeling empty and that he needed to go away to figure himself out.
It's been a week of talking and understanding and fighting and we continue to come back
and realize that we love each other so much and it’s really hard to let go.
Nevertheless, we still have this 100lb. elephant in the room that keeps coming up.
I have been unbelievably patient and supportive through all of this, including canceling
the wedding, but I'm so hurt and I can't figure out whether or not he really loves me or
if this is just his way of reacting to our loss.
I
also keep thinking that maybe this is the time for us to part, but I love him so much that
I can't let go. I want to help him through this because I believe he's depressed and
he should have my support so I told him that I wanted us to go to counseling together and
that if at the end of this he still wanted to leave then I would be willing to let him go
because at least then we'd both understand each other fully and only then will we have
really tried everything to make it work. He's agreed, reluctantly, but nonetheless
he's agreed. I don't want to lose him, but at the same time I feel that if he really
did love me, he wouldn't do this to us and all that we have built together.
I'm so confused about how we got to this level. I'm hurt and sad and not sure
about what to do. I've promised to help him but all of this has become so difficult
for me, I'm afraid of what our counseling will bring. My fears are consuming my
thoughts and are now shadowed by doubt and helplessness. Do I stay and help him
through this or do I grudgingly move on?
Sad and Confused
Dear
Sad and Confused:
I'm
very sorry to hear of your loss.
Many
times relationships come into focus in times of trouble. Perhaps he wasn't as ready for
marriage and family as he thought. He may feel relieved and guilty for feeling relieved.
Realizing that he wants out but torn about what you and others will think. It's easy to
play at being a couple when things are simple - no formal commitment, no children. He's
had a close brush with hard reality.
I
think it is worth trying counseling if he is willing. It may help you to see the
realitionship in a different light. Were the things you built together real, or just your
dreams? He may have appeared to want children to feed your dream; to bind you
to him with distant promises. Is he really the man you loved or someone you wanted to
love?
This
is one of the traps of living together without benefit of marriage. Not that marrying is a
guarantee of success, but in today's world it truly speaks of a deep commitment to go
through life together and should be a priority for couples.
Best
Wishes
