Emotional Abuse
Using insults,
being disrespectful, using criticisms, making demands, put downs, using the past against
you, withholding affection, giving you the silent treatment, refusal to discuss things,
expecting to be serves, not contributing to the relationship through work, chores, money, participation,
Using the children
against you, threatening to take the children, threatening to leave, telling you no one
else will want you, making you fearful, threatening you physically, yelling, screaming,
throwing things, destroying things.
The Verbally Abusive
Relationship by Patricia Evans --Identifies different forms of verbal abuse and gives suggestions for
responding.
When Love Goes Wrong by Ann Jones
and Susan Schecter --
Basic information concerning
abuse, how to help, how to survive.
Invisible Chains A novel about domestic abuse. Information
about abuse in a novel form. Stands alone as a good read, suspenseful and engrossing, but
also illustrates various types of abuse.
Can be ordered at a reduced
rate from the author, on the front page of this site.
Abuse Shelter Hotline
1-800-799-7233 |
Dear At the Fence:
I am 21 years old,
he's 20. We’re 1yr 2mo apart. We've been together 1yr 6mo but we dated for a few
months before that and we met on the school bus 6yrs ago. We’re currently living
together in our own apt and have been since May of this year. Before that we lived with
our parents. first his, then mine.
In February we both got new jobs
that allowed us to move out, but mine is part time, where I get home usually around
5:30pm. He works full time 2am-10am so most of the time he is asleep when I get home.
THERE ARE *NO* real doors in our apt so it's like being in the bedroom no matter what room
in the house you're in!
I've pretty much lost touch with the few friends I had before we got together, and I would
be fine with it except that they weren't really replaced by any new ones, except at work.
He is not in a similar situation. He remains friends with almost all of his friends from
before "us". I am ok with the fact that he still has friends but I
don't like what they do when they're together. Let's just say from a legal standpoint,
it's not. (Nothing major, just high school stupidity. I know I can't change him when it
comes to this subject so I don't bother to try anymore, but I do tell him how I feel about
it if it comes up.
Normally we'll go for a week or two and everything will be great and then we have a fight
about something. Usually it's something silly like he left his clothes on the living room
floor, or I forgot to turn the bathroom light off. Usually we fight about it and we're a
little tense for a while and we get over it.
Lately, for the last week-n-a-half or so, it seems to be a bit more serious. I don't know
what it is but he has been just plain mean. I don't know why, maybe it's lack of sleep
combined with p.m.s. maybe it something else. I don't know, so I've asked him if there’s
something I did but he says no. He also started off by saying it was in my head. He said
that I perceived it as worse than it was; turning nothing into something. He
has admitted more recently that he has been a bit more hostile towards me. He seems mad at
me all the time, and I feel like I don't do anything that would deserve the degree of
anger I am currently receiving.
An
example is that this morning at 3am he called me to look for his phone. It probably fell
out of his pocket when he was switching the cars "because you never do!". The
message he left angered me a little but I can understand his frustration. What I think was
uncalled for was when he called back and told me I had to go outside and look for it right
then, half asleep, in the dark, at 3am! But I did it anyway. (In case it was outside so it
wouldn't get wet in the morning dew.) I found it in my car and waited for him to call back
because I still don’t know his extension at work.
Then he started in on me for taking (my) laptop into the house.
Apparently he didn't see it on the kitchen table where he put his glass of water down, AND
put his shoes on. Regardless of this fact, it’s apparently my fault, so he continues
to lay into me about how now he has nothing to do at work! And he can’t finish his
test for school! And finishes by saying "now you've managed to ruin my day without
even waking up!" Now I'm at the point where I just don’t think I can take
anymore. I just want it to stop.
It doesn't. He seems to become even more angry that now I’m
speechless and on the verge of tears. Just before he says "so what? Now you’re
not going to say anything? You’re just going to sit there?" I do start to cry. I
can’t help it, but I cover the phone and cry into a pillow so he wouldn't hear
because I know that it "annoys" him when I do. I do all these things thinking
that I’m making things better by doing what he asks but they don't seem to work.
On top of all this my parents moved over 2 hours away so moving back
home is out of the question. I have no friends that I talk to or hang out with outside of
work and I have no one to give me advice about any of it.
I know we have issues to work on but at this point I'm wondering
if this relationship is even healthy? I want to work it out, but I’m afraid that
maybe we just aren't mature enough for the relationship. I don't even know what to do
anymore. Nothing seems to work and I can’t seem to get through to him about how he
makes me feel.
Please! I'm at the end of my rope here! Help!
Dear
Please!:
You
are living with someone who delights in abusing you. When you react to him, he steps it up
and when you cry, he gets angrier. He enjoys this. He needs to be in control and you are
letting him do it. This relationship is going HIS way because he has manipulated you into
living by his rules. You have been cut off from your friends, but he still has his.
Don't
waste your time and effort trying to work on issues. He won't respond or listen, unless
somehow he wakes up and realizes that he is abusing you to make himself feel powerful.
Other
than being an abuser, he is involved in illegal practices, which according to you is
not serious but you disapprove. He isn't going to change that either, so you are living
with someone who doesn't love you, mistreats you and spends time doing things you don't
approve of with 'friends' he would be better off without.
This
is not a good relationship. Be glad that you have only invested a year and a half, did not
marry him or have children with him. You can start over and do better.
Best
Wishes
© 2007 Nora Penia All Rights Reserved
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Disclaimer:
The contents of these pages represent my personal
opinions, which are offered for entertainment and educational purposes, only. I am not a
psychologist or therapist. My professional background has been as an educator dealing with
personal growth issues, parenting skills and relationship problems. My hope is that this
information will be helpful to you, but please, use common sense and thoughtful
consideration before acting on any of the information you find here. |
