Dear At the Fence:
A year and a half ago, I met this guy. He's 26 and I am 21.
When we first met, things escalated rather quickly. He wanted me to be his
girlfriend right away; we got along and shared a lot of the same interests, mostly because
we were in the same major. He said and did so many of the "right" things
to get me attached.
However, things started going downhill when he started getting distant. I would
always wonder why this was or why he wouldn't give me some of his time. I never
really asked for a lot of it. His justification was that we were too serious.
I, on the other hand, thought everything was going fine, I didn't force any
commitment. I would get mad about these things and break off the relationship
multiple times because of it. At the time I really didn't need one, and I
subconsciously knew it. But breaking up so many times tends to be very hurtful and
degrading.
Eventually this led to the real break (during the summer). He pretty much dropped
me. I could tell because I would call him and he would return a phone call or text
after days. He rarely called me on his own initiative and when he did it was because
he was lonely. And on that last time, I had told him to leave me alone, to stop
calling me. I didn't want to deal with this pain; I couldn't believe I had gotten
myself attached.
When school started again, we saw each other everyday as acquaintances. I kept my
distance because I knew that it wasn't going to work out with him again. So all
quarter I would do my own thing, and concentrate on school. And whenever he would
ask me out, I would say no. I had even attracted others and he knew this.
I finally gave in at the end of the quarter and let him see me.
He promised not to hurt me like he did last summer and when I found out he had dated
someone else I was furious. He was quick to assure me that he and this other girl were
over and that he made a mistake. He even made sure that I wasn't upset about it
anymore. Since then, we're still kind of together, kind of not.
I say together simply because he still made an effort during the rest of the year to
actually give me some of his time, take me out on dates, to talk on the phone and just be
there for me when I needed him. Even when we would argue he would still make the
effort to compromise with me and settle these quarrels.
This is all so sweet but there were times where he wouldn't give me
his time and I really wanted it or he would be extremely moody towards me because school
stressed him out. It would be a cycle happening all over again where he would be
really sweet and then he would be really hurtful towards me.
And we have had an argument where he would blurt out "we talked
in the beginning about no commitments being made" when clearly, he promised to never
hurt me again and desired a relationship with me in the beginning. It is summer
again and he still calls me everyday more than he did last summer (because he is away for
work), and tells me he misses me constantly.
The end result is this: he has finally realized that I have a lot to offer and that I am
someone that is worth it. After a second chance. And if he were to ever lose
me, it would be depressing to him because I'm unlike any other girl he has dated.
Again, after a second chance. I already have discovered this.
I've been thinking very deep about a clean break from him. Although he can be sweet,
I know there are guys that are sweeter and don't have to have phases where they become
moody. Or get stressed out from a relationship or so-called commitment. The only
reason I became commitment-phobic was because of this man.
The end question: should I keep making things work with this guy, or should I move
on? I feel like distancing and spacing myself is one thing, but cutting off
friendship might be another. What do you think based on these circumstances?
Should I just distance myself off? Or leave everything to fate? Or leave
everything to just strictly friendship?
Friends or what?
Dear Friends or what?:
Your instinct to make a clean break of this is good. A
relationship should not be like a roller-coaster. He has made it clear that he is not
ready for the kind of relationship you want. He may never be ready. Don't waste anymore
time on him.
Best wishes.
© 2008 Nora Penia All Rights Reserved
