My husband and I separated in February
because I suspected that he was cheating on me. He went to stay at his parents' house and
said that we would "talk and date" and see where we went. Things didn't go the
way I wanted them to - it seemed that he still didn't have any time to spend with me, and
wouldn't really talk to me either. He would come over sometimes and we would have sex or
he would eat dinner, but wouldn't really spend "quality" time with me. I could
tell that when we had sex he didn't have his heart in it - it was just sex to him and
nothing more. That hurt really bad, but I decided that I would accept any time or
attention I could get from him. We would talk sometimes and he would be the nicest and
most caring person I knew, but then would be as mean and hateful as a person can be before
I knew it. He would lead me to believe that he wanted things to work out for us, then the
next thing I knew he didn't want anything to do with it. I have thought that he has
multiple personalities since our separation.
Just last week I found his girlfriend's phone number and called her. I told her that I
didn't want to have problems with her but that there were things that she and I both
deserved to know. He had led her to believe that there was absolutely nothing between us
and that the only time he talked to me was when it concerned our daughter. He had of
course denied having a "girlfriend" to me, but had admitted to being on "a
date or two." She told me that they had been seeing each other since the first of
December, and that he had asked her to move in with him and marry him.
The conversation was very long and very
hurtful for both of us to learn exactly how he had been playing us. She called him and
broke things off with him that night, and then he came over and apologized to me - crying
and explaining that he loved me and wanted nothing more than to make things work for us.
He was willing to accept and do anything he needed to do to earn back my trust. Because I
love him so much and I realize that people are human and will mess up I agreed that we
could work on things. I had been consumed by my job from October until February, so when I
thought about it, I could understand why he would turn to someone else.
Now that I've told what he did, I'll tell what I did. While we were separated I talked
about my problems with a guy friend from work. He had been in a situation like mine, and
he seemed to understand what I was saying to him. We became really close in our
friendship, but that's all there was to it. Last night my husband came over and wanted to
know the 100% truth about everything between my friend and me. I told him everything that
we had done and talked about. He asked me if I care about the friend and I told him that
yes, I do care about him a lot.
My husband completely took this to mean
that I "love" my friend, and I don't. I simply am grateful to him for being
there for me, and I care about him the way you care about a friend. I know that it hurt my
husband to hear me say to him that I care about another man, and that's the last thing I
wanted to do. Now I can't get it through to him that there's a difference in caring about
a dear friend and loving a partner. He feels like I have cheated on him emotionally, and
now I have to work with this person every day.
I am so torn on this situation. I absolutely love my husband with everything in me, and
would love for us to be together and happy not only for me but for our daughter as well. I
know that other people have gotten past infidelity, and I can get past his. The only thing
is I don't think that he can get past mine, and I'm afraid that he's going to hate me for
hurting him.
He has hurt me so bad, and now I feel like
a horrible person because I have hurt him. When I sit and think about everything that I
have just written, I don't see there being any hope of us working things out. However,
when I think about the amount of love that I have for him I just know that it can be ok if
we just work on it.
I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for, or if I just want an outsider's opinion
on our situation. Please tell me if you think I am in a hopeless situation or if there is
hope there.
Hopeless?
Dear Hopeless?:
Look at the way he turned his gross
infidelity around and made you the villain when all you did was talk to someone else. You
do not carry the whole responsibility for this relationship. If the problem was your work,
he could have talked to you, not looked for a mistress and make plans to marry her while
still with you.
He has behaved immaturely and probably will
not change since that would take a lot of work (and professional counseling) and it is
simply easier and feels better to move on. If
he will agree to counseling – plan on at least a year – then it might be worth
it to stick with him.
Best Wishes
© 2008 Nora Penia
All Rights Reserved
