I am 40 years old
I have a daughter who is 23. She recently found her half sisters (from her biological
father) on Facebook. I told her they existed but she has had no contact with her
biological father.
I left him when I was 17 after he
had physically abused me night after night in his parents home where we were living at the
time. I told him when I left that I thought I was pregnant & he accused me of sleeping
with someone else & that it probably wasn't his (like he ever let me out of the house
for that to happen).
Over the first few years of my
daughter's life his parents, her biological grandparents & a brother acknowledged her
and accepted her into their family. Her father never did, he made no attempt to contact
her.
I have raised her almost completely
on my own though I was married for several years. Her half sisters were surprised to hear
from her and had no idea she existed. She is the spitting image of one of them. They
talked to their dad and asked him why he didn't tell them and he just got all quiet and
said we were young and it was a bad relationship and that we fought alot.
I have not told my daughter that it
was an abusive relationship but she has good instincts and I think she is aware. My
question is... how can I standby and say nothing (just like I did when he was abusing me)
if he or she now decides they want to meet and all he can say to her is that we fought
alot. Or I wanted to find you but your mom wouldn't let me see you.
I want to call him on it. No we
didn't fight alot, you beat me. You never looked for her, you've never acknowledged her
existence and you have never paid one dime towards her upbringing. It makes me angry all
over again like I'm just sweeping it all under the carpet. Just sit back and let her think
that everything he is telling her is how it happened. How do I handle this resentment and
anger?
Dealing with the past
Dear dealing with the past:
I'm so sorry you had an abusive
relationship, but you were so fortunate to get out and have him leave you alone. As hard
as it is, please understand that you and your daughter were better off without him, and
that he didn't stay involved with you and fight with you about your daughter. I know it
was tough raising her alone without financial support, but I have talked with dozens of
women who wished their abusive ex would ignore them, rather than continue to abuse them
through their children.
It will do no good to confront him.
He knows the truth and will probably never admit it, since that condemns him and he can't
handle that. Be the 'bigger' person and remain silent.
You have carried this anger and hurt
for so long. Strive to forgive him, even though he doesn't deserve it (none of us deserve
forgiveness - it is a gift). Forgiving him doesn't mean that who he is or what he did is
okay, it means that you will be free of the anger and resentment. Forgiving him is good
for you - he still has to answer to God.
Scriptures to help:
Matthew 5:43-44
(New King James Version) “You have heard that it
was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you,
love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for
those who spitefully use you and persecute you,
Matthew 6:14-15 “For
if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But
if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your
trespasses.
God Bless You
