I am a Christian male, and I sort of did a backslide. I
met this girl and moved in with her. Because of work I caused some stress and she freaked
out and started throwing things, swearing at me, and I was freaked out and wanted to leave
until she cooled down and she followed me outside and started pounding my windshield and
her hand hurt for three months after.
After that I told her that we are going to sleep in separate
rooms and start going to church and we did. On another occasion she kicked a hole in the
wall, and on another drove her car into the garbage can (accidentally she says) but when
you peel out of the driveway - that's what happens? big dent in her car. Of course I get
called every name in the book during these episodes &^%&*!
The pastor at the church has taken a liking to her. Of course
he doesn't have to live with her and he says God is working on her, forgive,
forgive, forgive...don't leave......he is a huge reason why I am still around. Two days
ago she treated me like crap for no reason at all and said 'forgive me, I don't know what
my problem is today.' It's a cycle of forgive...bad....good...bad...forgive, that never
ends. Then I think? Well I did cause the stress?
If I had not done that she would have not freaked out? But
then Sunday, for no reason she just thrashed me with her mouth...she always has an excuse
though. I am to the point that I don't even feel that I like her anymore...its so
confusing in my head because she said she was sorry and the pastor said to forgive and
things are good now until the next time.
Don't forget my cell phone is broke from the bowl of ice
cream that flew across the living room. The pastor just acts like it's no big deal and God
is working on her...one time he said that you got what you got? His answers are even
confusing me?
I am about to pack my stuff and leave dropping a note to him
about abuse and the next stage that his little project (my girlfriend) is about to go
through, so that he can be there for her, because she will really need him when I leave
and maybe he will see some of what I have been experiencing. Plus I do care about people
and do know that when she loses control someone has to be there and me leaving is going to
hurt her. But I am tired of it. I feel like my mind is in a daze all the time and I
am not happy. I feel like I will be doing the right thing but it hurts and I don't want it
to be this way but forgive, forgive, forgive is getting old.
HELP
Dear Help:
I can understand why you are confused. Abuse CAUSES
confusion. Especially for caring people who are willing to forgive and give another
chance.
And it is good to have a forgiving nature. However. abusers
take advantage of this and use it against others. She will never change unless she faces
the fact that she is solely responsible for her actions. It doesn't matter if you are
'causing' stress - we all have stress to deal with. Stress does not cause abuse. She has
learned that it is okay for her to act this way, so she does. Until she learns that it is
NOT okay, she has no reason to stop. Some abusers never learn this lesson, because it
means some tough work to change their behavior.
Unfortunately many pastors do not understand about abusive
relationships. Even if the two of you were married, this situation would require
more than forgiveness. She needs help, more than a pastor can give her.
You have no obligation to her. If you have tried to work this
out and she refuses to work with you, leave while you can - (no marriage, kids, etc.)
Normally I think it is best for couples to marry rather than live together, but since you
aren't married, move on.
In the future, work on your walk with God and don't rush into
live-in relationships. Take a lot of time to get to know someone before starting an
intimate relationship, preferably not before you marry. I'd suggest dating someone for at
least a year before deciding to marry. That gives you time to observe how someone handles
stress, how easy they are to talk with and their willingness to work on problems.
God Bless
