Rarely in polite circles does anybody speak of The Family a man
adopts when he shares a home with his darling. (Even in My Big
Fat Greek Wedding, the in-laws end up living a full 14 feet away.)
Today, we cast aside the veil of secrecy, as I reveal the identities of five evil members
of The Family who followed my darling bride into my nest: The Octopus, The Red Hot Poker,
The Spike, The Blob and The Toe Tenderizer.
The Octopus: Do you have an octopus in your house? A phenomenal
thing happens when three or more pantyhose gather in the same
laundry load. They cling together. They wrap themselves around each other and
any other article of clothing foolish enough to get in their way. They become one
tortured mass of unruly leggings ... The Octopus! (And you thought men disliked
doing laundry out of laziness.)
The Red Hot Poker: The natural habitat of The Red Hot Poker is on the bathroom counter or
on a bureau top. The Red Hot Poker lies in wait for his victim and ambushes him when
he least expects it. Looking for your tractor keys on the bureau? Beware the nasty
sting of The Red Hot Poker. Searching for used dental floss? Watch out
for the cruel burns from The Red Hot Poker.
After all, if it can curl a woman's hair with just its touch, imagine the pain it can
inflict upon a man's fingers.
The Spike: The spike is a tiny creature with a piercing bite. His habitat of choice
is a woman's key ring.
"Ouch!"
"Oops. Sorry, that's my spike."
"Why do you keep it on your key ring?"
"It's a great tool to fix my glasses in a pinch. And in case
anybody sneaks up behind me in a dark parking lot with evil
intent, I will be protected."
"You should show your secret weapon to the guards at Fort Knox."
Such a conversation, repeated a few hundred times, leads to her
inevitable question: "How come you never want to hold hands with
me anymore?"
The Blob: My wife likes pillows. And the bigger they are, the more she likes
them. At first, I thought she was dragging a corpse to bed with us every
night. But she assured me it was just her jumbo size pillow.
Did you know that some pillows are long enough to reach from one
side of a queen size bed to the other? They are perfect for helping me wake up at
3:00 a.m. from a nightmare about how the world is being overtaken by giant, man-eating
marshmallows ... disguised as giant man-eating pillows, of course.
The Toe Tenderizer: I can't remember the last time I felt the sudden urge to weigh
myself. In my world, a scale is a medical instrument that belongs safely at the
doctor's office with the suffocate-your-arm blood pressure machine and the stethoscope
that listens to your heart's most private ramblings.
Why anyone would want a scale in their house, beats me. Why anyone would want to
pull it out from under the bed to stand on it every few days, beats me. Why anyone
would push it only half-way back under the bed, beats my toe. Ooh. Of course,
you might act surly, too, if you were stuffed under the bed and only let out for someone
to stand on your face.
When you share your nest with someone, you share not just her love, not just her cute
annoying habits, but also The Family she brings with her. And guys, don't get too
smug. If you think you don't bring The Family into a relationship, I have just two
words for you: power tools.
About the author:
The author is David Leonhardt, The Happy Guy, author of The Get Happy Workbook and publisher of Your Daily Dose of Happiness. Visit his Online happiness website.
David Leonhardt The Happy Guy Info@TheHappyGuy.com