I was with my boyfriend for three years. At first everything
was great. Then towards our second year he asked me to marry him. I accepted. Then a few
days later I found out I was pregnant. That's when everything went down hill.
He became violent. I almost lost our son because of him. Then
after a lot of talking we worked things out, moved in together and we were happy. When I
was about six months pregnant he started taking off leaving me alone all the time and
telling me I was no fun to be around. He did have his violent "outburst" every
now and then.
It was like this up until my son was born. Then after he was
born everything was great. I was a stay at home mom, we were planning our wedding; we were
just happy. But the thing is he was in a bad relationship when he was 15 years old which
resulted in them having a baby at the age of 15. He was not allowed in this child's life
at all. We talked about it a lot of decided that his first child has a new brother and
should know his father and we wanted to welcome him into our family.
Instead of going through the court system and took action and
called his son's mother. She seemed nice and was thrilled that I had called and we made
plans to meet and talk. BUT it never happened. My fiancé and she met, which I had no
problem with, because he should have called her himself.
The first night he went to talk to her about seeing his son
he was gone for 4 hours. Then the second night he was gone for 7 hours, keeping a 6 year
old boy out until 12:00 am on a school night. When he got home I knew what was going on
and asked him about it. He told me they still were in love and were getting back together.
I kicked him out of our home.
The next day he came back for some of his things and gave me
seven dollars for my son and walked out. The next day I was very sick from being so upset
I had asked him to watch our son for a little while so I could lay down. He ended up
hitting me twice and got arrested. I took out a restraining order and cut off all contact.
Then I was informed by several people that his new girlfriend
was a junkie. I immediately shut off all contact from his son, too. A week later they were
engaged and moved in together. I was heart broken. Come to find out he was doing drugs
with her. She is a very violent person, herself. Well, three months later they broke up
and D.S.S took their son away.
Well, now he wants me back and wants us to be a family again.
Yes, I still love him, but I need my sanity and my happiness. And I fear he will walk out
again. My son is now 10 months old and has been seeing his father for a month and a half
and is great with him. I fear he will walk out on our son again and I don't want my son
hurt. I'm just confused still hurt and still in love.
Still in Love
Dear Still in Love:
Love can be great, but it is not a good guide. Don't resume a
relationship with this man based on love. Look at the kind of person he is, his behavior,
his history, etc. He is an abuser. He has hit you, (In my state, hitting a pregnant woman
is a felony.) He has not changed. Add to that his easy slide into drug abuse, the easy
decision to walk out on you, twice, once while you were pregnant and 'not fun,' and you
have a very selfish, immature, abusive person who has a lot of growing up to do.
Can he change? Maybe. There are a lot of 'ifs' involved and a
lot of hard work, on his part. Most people don't want to change, period. Most people will
go to extremes to avoid changing. Changing is very hard work and requires a deep, genuine
desire.
For the sake of your son and yourself, let this relationship
die. Don't even try to stay friends - you'll be opening yourself to being sucked back into
a very unhealthy relationship. If you must have contact because of your son, keep it
very limited, and only as it relates to your son.
Give yourself time to heal before considering a new
relationship.
God Bless
© 2004 Nora Penia
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