My husband and I are both 33 and have been married for 15
years. I am the oldest child of two and my husband is the youngest child of four.
We do not have any children. Over the years there I have had a tense relationship
with my mother-in-law. When I first started dating my husband, I thought that my
mother-in-law and I were going to have a great relationship, but that all changed.
When my husband and I were dating, my mother-in-law thought I had stolen her credit card
and jewelry and questioned me about it. We discovered later that my sister-in-law
had stolen these items.
Also, while we were dating, my husband would give me his
paychecks and I started a savings account for us and my mother-in-law told my husband that
I was partying and spending his money on alcohol. I confronted her years ago about
these issues and she denied them, made excuses, and avoided apologizing to me for having
been wrong about my character.
Over the years she has made little comments about my looks,
cooking, etc. It has always hurt my feelings but I ignored her, believing this is the
person she is and I can't change her. After a big fight between her, my husband and
I, she started going to therapy and I thought this would help matters, but it hasn't. I
pretty much avoid her unless it is a holiday or family event. About 6 weeks ago, she
and my father-in-law left for an extended vacation. The night before they left they
wanted to take my husband and me to dinner. We agreed to meet at a local restaurant
at 5:30p.m. and I was going to meet my in-laws and my husband at the restaurant on my way
home from work.
They were 45 minutes late. I was very mad and on my way
out of the parking lot when they arrived at the restaurant. I think I was madder at
myself and felt like a total fool for having waited so long. My mother-in-law did
not apologize for being late but said it was her fault because she had to iron her pants,
change the message on her answering machine and some other crazy things that she needed to
do. My in-laws are retired, she had all day to do these things. Her excuses made me
even madder. Then to top it off she kept offering me an alcoholic beverage.
She knows that I am an alcoholic and I have been in recovery for several years. My
husband kept reminding her that I don't drink, but kept on. I was angry and I knew
if I started speaking my mind I wasn't going to stop and I did not want to cause a scene
in the restaurant.
My question is what do I do now? I don't want to have to deal with her anymore but she is
my husband's mother and I don't think it is fair to him to cut her out of our life.
He is also really upset with her. The last time we confronted her, she threw a fit
and then said that she had to start therapy because I was so horrible to her. At
one point I was willing to go to therapy with her but I am not sure if I want to
now.
I am a social worker and believe that therapy can help.
I want to confront her via email because the person to person thing gets too heated
and she becomes very verbally abusive. I want to tell her that I think she is
inconsiderate of my feelings and I am done. I had hoped that one day we would be
able to get along. I am a very out-spoken and honest person but when it comes to her
I usually say nothing and take crap from her that I would not even take from my own
mother. I don't know what to do.
I want to warn her that in the future if she upsets me she
should be prepared that I am going to let her know on the spot and that I am going to
stand up for myself. I think this means that when we have family events there may be
fighting which I have always tried to avoid, but the only other alternative I see is not
going to family events or ever inviting them to our home. I feel bad for my husband
because I feel he is caught in the middle and sometimes I am mad at him because he doesn't
stand up to her all the time. My mother-in-law was abusive to her children and I
know sometimes he is afraid of her.
Any advice you can give me would be helpful. Thanks.
Suffering Daughter-in-law
Dear Suffering Daughter-in-law:
It is common to try to reason with an abuser and expect the
abuser to respond reasonably. This just won't happen, but most people make this mistake.
I'm afraid you've already tried it all - to no avail, so stop
beating yourself up. This is the situation: she's an abuser, which means that she is
emotionally immature and unlikely to grow up. That leaves you to be the adult.
Confronting her will accomplish nothing.
Since you don't live with her, you can afford to be generous
when you are around her. Spend as little time as possible with her, but go out of your way
to overlook her bad behavior and be extremely polite. Getting a rise out of you is exactly
what she wants and if she can't get a rise out of you, she will be very frustrated. She
will probably try harder which will make it obvious to anyone watching that she is acting
like a mean woman. If you are very polite and courteous, people will wonder why she is so
mean to you and she will be the one who looks bad.
You can enjoy the knowledge that she is making a fool out of
herself, and that you are being the more mature, tolerant, forgiving person.
Let your husband know what you are doing, and make sure he
understands that this is the only way you can stand to be in her company. Agree that the
two of you will not try to reason with her and that you will both overlook her tardiness
and other rude behavior. Just politely decline alcoholic beverages when she offers them.
Let go of the past injustices and insults. You will probably
never get the satisfaction of an apology or even civility. I know this seems unfair, and
it is, but it is a relistic approach. If you can stop hoping this will happen, it will
make it easier to cope with this problem family member. (Most families have at least one.)
Best Wishes
