Dear At the Fence:
My boyfriend and I have been dating for quite a while now. We
are very happy with each other, and happy to be in this relationship. We are both young
(under 20), but we have decided (though not told anyone) that eventually, we want to be
married. I have no problems about this, except for one detail: His Mother.
His mum is going through "The Change" and is wreaking havoc on our nerves. He
lived here for about a month while he was between jobs, and she called here at least 5
times a day, every day, telling him to come home. She dropped by a couple times at 5 AM,
telling her son to go back and live at home with her. She is driving both of us nuts!
He has told her several times to stop calling, and not to drop by unless we know about it
first, but she is relentless. When he first moved out, she came over to his house with
banana bread and told him that there's more, if only he would come home, just one example
of her childish antics.
A little while ago, he moved back into his hometown with a few friends so he can start
working again. She showed up at his house with a truck telling him to move back home NOW.
He said that he would go live with her once things were up and running.
Finally, he has decided to go back to live with her, just until he can get his feet back
on the ground. The decision has nothing to do with pleasing her, but we fear that if he
does move back in, she will feel that she still has power over him, and she'll keep
bugging him to get what she wants.
Please help us, we are at our wits end! We don't want to split up, but we fear that this
snag has thrown our entire relationship off balance. What do we do?
Sick of this whole Sordid Affair
Dear Sick:
Please don't blame this on the change of life. I have a
feeling she has been possessive and controlling most of her life. (Menopause may have made
her worse, though.) Your boyfriend must decide how to handle this. If he tolerates it, she
will never stop. She might not ever stop anyway, and he has to decide how to handle it. He
has to decide how much he will put up with, where to draw the line and how he will
communicate that to his mother in a polite, firm but assertive way.
You have to decide what you will do if he doesn't handle it.
Will you continue putting up with it, hoping it will get better? Will you make his life
more difficult by trying to get him to do something about it? Will you leave him if
he doesn't stop it?
These are tough questions and it might be a great idea to
consult a counselor about how to make these decisions and how to handle the situation.
Good Luck
Boundaries : When to
Say Yes When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
by, Dr Henry. Cloud, Dr. John Townsend Zondervan Pub
House
© 2004 Nora Penia All Rights Reserved
