I have been with my current boyfriend for almost a year now.
About a month into our relationship he cheated on me with the mother of his son.
I did not know this till later when I came across the tape from the video recorder
which showed it all. I was prepared to leave but thought I would give him a chance
to defend himself. He has full custody of his son due to the fact the mother is
unfit, and neglectful. She will try anything to get him back. His excuse for the
tape was to have something to hold over her head so she would not try anything, seeing how
she is in a serious relationship, the tape would destroy that relationship. I
forgave him.
Later on in the relationship, now being suspicious about everything because I did not
trust him anymore, I checked his cell phone for "recent calls", to my surprise
his Ex-girlfriend's number was there. They were together for 2 years and she has two
children who were close to him. I asked him about it and he said she had called to
tell him a family member had died, and he returned her call. He told me not to worry
about it, that he didn't even know her number until just a week before.
The next day, being the snoop that I am I looked at his cell
phone bill. The number he claimed he didn't know until just a week before was ALL
OVER his bill for the last 6 months. I called him at work and asked him "Do you
think I am stupid?" Again packed and ready to leave, I decided to let him
explain. He didn't want to tell me he talked to her because he didn't think that I
would understand that she was calling because of a death in the family, her kids missed
him...etc. I told him what's so hard to understand about that? He insisted on
me calling her to confirm it was nothing more than what he said it was. I did not
want to.......yet. I didn't know if they had a little plan or not.
Well about a month later I had the urge to call his ex. So I did. I called her at
her work (hair salon) and asked her some questions about their relationship to confirm
some things that he had said. She said some were lies. While I was on the
phone with her my boyfriend beeped in on his cell phone, I answered it not letting him
know I was talking to her, he told me he JUST left work he would be home in a while.
I clicked back over to his ex and told her what he had said. To my astonished
surprise she said he had an appointment there in 5 mins. Mind you his work is a half
hour away from her hair shop. JUST left work YA...busted.
So she put me on the phone with one of her friends while she
did his hair. Him not knowing I was on the phone. I don't mind that he was
getting his hair cut by her, but he lied to me. While on the phone with her friend I
decided to call his cell 3-way to see what he would say......no answer, so I left a
message asking him to pick me up some Dove soap. His ex and her friend told me as
soon as he left the parking lot. Not 2 sec. later he calls, "What did you need,
honey?" I asked him where he was. He paused and said ...."I was in
Wal-mart." I told him to never mind about the soap that I could wait. He
insisted on going to Wal-mart, to have something to prove he was in that store.
I waited for him to get home...Still on the phone with his ex he walked in....I say
"Hey babe, got your hair cut?" He replies "Yeah!" I asked
if Michelle did it (another hairstylist he goes to sometimes) He says "Yeah."
Not looking me in the eyes at all. I told him someone wants to talk to him on
the phone. With his ex gf on the line he says hello, she asks, does your gf like
your new hair cut? The look in his eyes I will never forget. I let her go, and
looked at him. I said your DONE!!!!!!!!! I started packing AGAIN. He sat
there and kept asking if that is what I really wanted: was to leave. I said yes and
stuck to it. The next morning when he got up for work, me already awake because I
couldn't sleep, I guess he couldn't either, He cried soooooooo hard, I have never
seen a man cry before. I didn't let it phase me. I kissed him goodbye and he
went to work. I called his ex back and asked her how many times he had cried with
her and she said "NEVER...he doesn't know how to cry, he doesn't have a heart to
cry!" I was amazed. So I thought to myself that maybe he does really want
to straighten up and make this work. I stayed.
So here I am.....almost a year.....things have been doing well so far. Now he calls
me right from work and tells me he is leaving, so that I can see it on caller ID.
What bothers me is he is in a band that plays out everyweekend. he cheated on his ex
with me.....I didn't know this at the time. He denies cheating on her, and says they
were over 4 months before she moved out, and she disagrees, either way, I am somewhat
afraid that he is going to cheat on me. Alot of people come to see this band, alot
of GIRLS. The bass player of the band cheats on his wife everytime they play
out. I am worried that he is going to too.
I go with him alot so sometimes he wouldn't be able to.
And also, he is very cautious of letting me see his e-mails for the band..when I
walk by he closes the window quick. They have a website that alot of people go to to send
him mail about the band, including girls. He has let me see it once, but I don't
know if he deleted what I wasn't supposed to see.
Am I just paranoid due to past events, was I stupid to stay? Is he really going to
change? Even though they say men don't. Were his tears really from the hurt he felt
with the thought that I was leaving. Is it wrong to ask if I could see his e-mail?
Is that invading his privacy? Please help I need some advice.
Needing your advice!
Dear Needing Your Advice:
It may have been a mistake to forgive him again. But people
can change, although given his behavior and the fact that he is constantly exposed to
temptation, it is natural for you to question his change. However, if he did change,
he deserves your trust.
This is your choice: trust or leave. If you want this
relationship you will have to decide either to trust him, no questions asked, no checking
up, etc, or let him go. A relationship has no chance of surviving constant suspicion. You
cannot change the past and there is nothing you can do to make sure your boyfriend does
not cheat on you. He will do whatever he chooses to do. If he cheats, he will probably try
to make sure you don't find out, but if he cheats you will find out eventually. We all
have choices; yours is to decide to trust him or not. If not, then end it. You already
know he has betrayed your trust in the past, so if you are willing to give him this
chance, give it to him completely.
Best wishes
