My wife and I have been married only for a short
time but have been living together for a few years. We have an unbelievable
relationship based on knowing each other for many years before ever becoming a couple.
The biggest obstacle for our marriage has become
her youngest son who is nearly 20 years old. He used to live with us a couple of
years back after getting out of rehab for an addiction. When he first came to live
with us he tried to do what was right as far as going to school and attempting to get past
his problems. Then he began hanging around people who influenced him and led him
back to his addictions and worse.
It got to the point that we had to call the
police to help with the problems he was causing in our home. He would steal from us
to support his habit, lie about going to school or work, and disrespected his mother by
not caring to listen to her when she told him to seek help again for his relapse.
Eventually we had no choice but to tell him that
he could no longer stay with us and that it would be best for him to live with my wife's
sister. We hoped that by doing this it would show him that he was burning bridges by
his actions toward his family.
A couple of years have passed now and he and his
girlfriend are living in a city close to us. Once in a while they would visit for a few
hours or a day or so. But I still have negative feelings concerning him mostly
because of a lack of trust. My wife also doesn't trust him enough to leave money
lying around in our house while he is there.
Unfortunately I don't to want to give her son
the impression that it is okay for him and his girlfriend to stay with us for a
couple of days. He still has not gotten past his former problems and he will not get
employment to help provide for his family because he knows that his mom will provide for
him.
Recently I tried to explain to my wife that I
was having these reservations about her son and we got into a very heated exchange of
words. I feel horrible that I let this come to this point, but I don't believe that
I should feel uncomfortable in my own home because of someone who obviously has no regard
of how his actions affect his mother or her other children or the rest of his family.
What do you suggest I do?
Touchy predicament
Dear Touchy Predicament:
You are dealing with a mother's basic instinct
to help her child and it is a strong instinct. For the sake of your marriage, go slow with
this. She knows how you feel and right now the two of you are at odds with each other.
You do have the right to feel comfortable in
your home. Take whatever measures you feel you must to accomplish this. Install a safe in
your home and keep your valuables there. Put an exterior keyed door knob on one room in
your home to keep your safe in and keep it locked when your stepson is there.
If your wife is supporting her son with her own
money, there is little you can do about that. However, if she is using your money or money
from your combined resources, you have the right to limit how much she gives him.
Do not allow your wife to give house keys to her
son. This is a very basic and sensible rule that you have every right to insist on.
I'd suggest a couple books that address this
type of issue. (see sidebar) In addition, consider attending some alanon meetings which
can be very helpful in dealing with relatives and loved ones who have/had addictions.
Encourage your wife to attend, also.
Best Wishes
