Dear At the Fence:
I sure hope you can help me and give me some advice. I am 20
years old and I have a dilemma with a girl I truly care about.
I met a girl about a month and a half ago. It turns out she had just gotten out of a 3
year relationship with a guy who cheated on her. She broke it off with him about a month
before I met her.
We went on a date and really hit it off. From there, we saw
each other everyday for a solid month. It was awesome.... she would stay the night, we
would go out, talk on the phone all the time, it even got to the point where we were
saying "I love you".
A little over a month after we became "official",
she started saying that she needed more space, and was bothered that she found herself
getting attached again. We agreed that it was wrong to say we loved each other after such
a short amount of time, and I tried to be understanding of her needs.
From there, it was almost like we hit a wall. We went from
seeing each other every day to practically once a week. I told her I needed more out of
our relationship. I could tell she wasn't happy, so I suggested that we break up. I still
care about her and want her so badly, and I know she has strong feelings for me as well.
I don't want to be "just friends" with her, and
after about 4 days of not being together I am kicking myself for taking things so quickly.
I really want her back, but I don't want to make her feel like I am trying to get her to
commit to anything serious. I can't stand the thought of her seeing other people, although
she isn't and tells me she doesn't want to.
How can I get her to be mine again?? I am so unhappy without
her. I need some serious advice...
What should I say to her? How should I act?
Any help would be GREATLY appreciated!!!!!!!
Dear Any Help:
She's being cautious, a little late, but still cautious.
Getting imvolved so quickly was probably a mistake, and I don't mean just saying 'I love
you.' She was hurting, feeling alone, grieving, and very vulnerable. For women, going
slowly gives them time to heal, take stock of what they want and need in a relationship
and time to be sure they are using good judgement about the new person.
Give her time. You might stay in touch with occasional emails
just to let her know you're still around, but don't push for dates, sex or getting back
together. This is not quite 'being friends.' You shouldn't try to hang out together, or
expect anything.
This will be tough for you, since your letter indicates that
although you don't want to push for a committment, that is what you really want. A casual
intimate 'thing' is not a relationship. Which do you want?
Take a good look at what you consider to be a relationship.
What does commitment mean to you? What does being intimate mean? What do you expect from a
woman and when? Is it okay to meet someone and sleep with them without loving them? Why is
saying 'I love you' more serious than having sex?
Once you are clear about what you want, be sure to talk about
your ideas and any new girlfriend right from the start. It can help clear up many
misunderstandings and broken relationships.
God Bless
© 2004 Nora Penia All Rights Reserved
