Emotional Abuse
Using insults, being
disrespectful, using criticisms, making demands, put downs, using the past against you,
withholding affection, giving you the silent treatment, refusal to discuss things,
expecting to be serves, not contributing to the relationship through work, chores, money, participation,
Using the children against you,
threatening to take the children, threatening to leave, telling you no one else will want
you, making you fearful, threatening you physically, yelling, screaming, throwing things,
destroying things.
The Verbally Abusive
Relationship by Patricia Evans Identifies different forms of verbal and emotional abuse and gives
suggestions for responding.
When Love Goes Wrong by Ann Jones
and Susan Schecter --
Basic information concerning
abuse, how to help, how to survive.
Invisible Chains A novel about domestic abuse. Stands alone as a good
read, suspensesful and engrossing, but also illustrates various types of abuse.
Can be ordered at a reduced rate from
the author, on the front page of
this site. |
Dear At the Fence:
I'm 27 and this is my second marriage. We have only
been married for 1 year. My first husband was physically abusive.
I am in the military and am the sole provider for the family.
My husband and I have been arguing a lot. I leave home for work at 5:30 am
and usually don't return until about 6:30 p.m. My husband doesn't work, but
still expects me to come home and cook and clean. We have a 3 month old and
I have a 7 year old boy from my 1st marriage.
He constantly uses my past against me and tells
me I am a ugly bitch. He knows that I didn't have a good childhood and uses
my insecurities against me. He threatens to hit me and says he had second
thoughts about getting married. We never have a real conversation.
I suggested we go on a vacation , just the two of us and he
said he would rather go by himself. I am afraid I am going to come home
one day and find that he has taken our daughter and left. He makes
me feel so worthless. He hasn't kept any of the promises he made when we first
got together. He is perfectly healthy, but chooses not to work. I
am so disappointed in him.
I hate to say this but even though I hate to leave my three
month old daughter every morning, I actually look forward to going to work, because that's
the only place I get any respect.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose my
children. I never thought I would be divorced twice.
Is there anything I can do?
Dear Anything:
First let me point out that this husband is just as abusive
as the first, but most of his abuse is non-physical. There may not be laws against
emotional abuse, but it is abuse, nevertheless. Emotional abuse can be just as effective
as physical abuse. Your husband is an abuser.
You should receive the most respect at home with your family.
Your home should be a haven from the world. You should look forward to going home
everyday, not dread it. These are natural expectations.
The bold text in your letter highlights the examples of
emotional abuse your husband uses against you. Emotional abuse includes verbal insults,
put downs, criticisms, refusal to talk, threats, financial, expecting you to do all the
work, using the children against you, using your past against you.
The bold print also highlights the lack of respect,
consideration and love that he shows you. This marriage is not a partnership- the two of
you walking through life together. It is a him-centered relationship where you exist to
serve him and he gets to call all the shots and make no contribution to the marriage or to
you.
What can you do?
I understand your reluctance to seek another divorce, but
right now this is not a marriage. You can try to get him to change - insist on counseling,
set down in no uncertain terms what you expect from him - financial support, emotional
support, respect and decent treatment. This will be a long process if he agrees. Don't be
fooled by quick promises or even some immediate improvement in behavior. He is working
from long held beliefs and habits and changing will be hard work and it will be up to him
to make the changes.
If he agrees to counseling, look for a counselor who
understands abuse issues and make sure the counselor addresses the emotional abuse.
If he won't go, go by yourself. Again, get a counselor who
understands abuse. This will help you decide what to do and how to do it. Most military
bases have programs or counselors to address this issue, or can refer you to community
programs. You can call 1-800-799-7233 for the number for a shelter near you where you
should be able to find counseling to help you deal with this.
God Bless
© 2004 Nora Penia All Rights Reserved
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Disclaimer:
The contents of these pages represent my personal
opinions, which are offered for entertainment and educational purposes, only. I am not a
psychologist or therapist. My professional background has been as an educator dealing with
personal growth issues, parenting skills and relationship problems. My hope is that this
information will be helpful to you, but please, use common sense and thoughtful
consideration before acting on any of the information you find here. |
